I know several beautiful and intelligent women who do not hide their desire for family and children, but there is one problem – there is no man next to them to spend life with. Of course, they are not innocent virgins or shy girls who are restricted in their bedroom by puritanical rules and beliefs. Some of them form a relationship one after other – it begins as a beautiful prelude to a happy love story, but ends unexpectedly just as the bond and romantic admiration seem to have grown into true love.
The passionate nights spent together simply do not get a logical continuation – getting to know his parents and asking, “Will you marry me?”
When talking to girlfriends who have not yet found their real love, I notice some regularities that could explain why their relationship often remains only in the “friends with benefits” stage.
The sooner the better
My friend is 35 years old. She is a real nightlife soul of the capital. If I want to know where the hottest weekend parties are gona be, instead of searching the internet, I call her. New restaurant openings and other events is just her passion. There, she meets all those handsome men with whom, unfortunately, the relationship has not lasted more than a few months. Why?
It seems to me that the reason is obvious: she is so eager to marry and have children that she puts “great love” into her bed sooner than she should, because she sees sex as a sign that the relationship is serious.
And when she happily calls and tells me that he gave her an impressive gift for no reason, and that it means he’s going to take the next step soon, I usually think it’s just a subtle “thank you” for a good time and a hint about the upcoming breakup.
I bet we’ll meet at the coffee shop soon to discuss her unfortunate love again. I will admit that I am starting to bother explaining to her that men are not very happy about hasty events and they would rather run away than take the oath of eternal love without being shure that this is his true love. No one wants to be tied up with wrong woman and see unexpected positive pregnancy test, so responsible men disappear in time without any explanation – until it’s too late. But my friend is convinced the opposite – good sex is the most important thing that connects people.
Eternal hesitation
The other extreme is when people make friends for a year or more but are still not ready to seriously commit to being with each other. My childhood friend has been living with a man for three years. They are both close to their forty, but they haven’t talked about weddings yet, and I don’t think that there will be such a celebration in their lives. “It’s such an insignificant thing; love doesn’t need a stamp in your passport, just like an official permission to love,” was her reaction when our youngest firend handed out invitations to her wedding.
When people invade your relationship without an explanation and try to tell how well they are doing, I may suspect that they are actually trying to convince others that everything is perfect in their relationship, when in fact it is not.
However, experience shows that life “without a stamp in the passport” usually reverses when children are born. In that case, the formalities suddenly prove important; either out of fear of mistrust or a sudden divorce.
That would not be the case if we admitted to ourselves that the most common reason why we do not resort to this formality is a ray of hope for one or both partners that one day they will find someone better. Sometimes it fades and turns out to be insignificant because the baby’s smile illuminates life. However, the answer to the existential question: “Is this really my future – to see this aging woman (or man) every day?” And whoever is looking for someone else finds it.
Misunderstanding
Often people do not understand each other just because their behavior sends vague signals or they misinterpret each other’s actions or words. It’s not easy to understand the person you just met. Perhaps the most important thing is to try to see not what you want to see, but what that person’s behavior really means.
Sometimes this is quite a difficult task, especially if the man is too polite and does not make it clear that he only expects “friends with benefits” relationship.
My childhood friend was once entangled in a strange relationship that ended in a great scandal instead of civil brakup. His colleague was experiencing a family crisis at the time and was considering divorce. He did not have a girlfriend at the time and began to “comfort” her. His boring daily life was brightened by lunch breaks, during which they went to a nearby apartment and returned cheerful and blushed. Sometimes both stayed “overtime”.
But weekends he spent with friends. We all knew about this office “lover” and his position that he would not marry this woman even if she left her husband. When I asked him if he was convinced that his colleague also perceived this connection as a carefree daily diversification, he immediately stated: “Of course, I did not promise her anything.”
When the colleague was finally free and their love was no longer hindered, she experienced a severe panic attack. “There was nothing between us but good sex,” he exclaimed.
Even if you’re in a long-term relationship and he hints that it might be more comfortable to stay with him in the apartment than going on a date through the rain and cold, but he hasn’t introduced you to his parents and closest friends so far, this relationship are unlikely to move foreward.
In addition, women often wants to look strong and independent and they simply will not get anything more than sex without commitment from man. For example, they always take the initiative themselves, highlighting their opportunities and status, offering to share bills in bars, making humiliating hints, and spreading gossip about married friends. Usually this is how they want to emphasize their independence, financial freedom and equality, but in this case men will want to keep a certain distance. “Friends with benefits” will be the most common outcome.
Imaginary truth
Sometimes people read different literature, listen to relationship stories, and follow these tips strictly. Who among us has not heard that it is not right to kiss on a first date, that all men are pigs, that they only care about sex and that love lasts for three years.
As soon as we trust such advice and begin to live by it, we stop being the masters of our lives.
Self-confidence and listening to your intuition is probably a more stable foundation for happiness. It would be said by those whose love stories seemed hopeless or began as a spontaneous one night stand. Other people mistakes can also be like treasure of experience, as long as they are used wisely.