Jokes
– Grandfather finally decided to get married.
– How old is he?
– 93.
– And the bride?
– 86.
– Isn’t he so afraid of the age difference?
Two friends talking:
– You know, I probably won’t live with my wife anymore.
– Why?
– She boiled that soup again and I threw the whole pot out the window!
– It’s nothing, you will fix the situation.
– Unlikely. Sshe was standing under the window.
A man buys bread in a store.
Man: Is that bread fresh?
Seller: Bread is still warm!
Husband: My wife is still warm, but she’s not fresh.
Young woman goes to church to confess her sins:
-Father, yesterday I called some guy “son of a bitch”.
-Why did you do that?
-He touched my hand.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s hand.
-Yes!
-But that’s not a reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He also touched my breasts.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s breasts.
-Yes!
-But that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He undressed me!
-Like this? – pastor undresses the girl.
-Yes!!
-Well, that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-Well, but then he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what.
-Like this? – pastor puts his thing into her place.
-Yes!!!
-It’s no reason to call him son of a bitch either.
-But he had AIDS!
-THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
One girlfriend asks the other:
– I’m wondering how your husband remembers your wedding anniversary?
– Fortunately, he doesn’t remember!
– Why “fortunately”?
– Because I remind him of it several times a year and I always get presents.
– We are married only for two days, but you are already cursing on me…
-Yes, but I’ve had five husbands before you, so I know exactly when to start cursing!
Last night I fell asleep in my son’s room. In the morning I read text messages from my husband:
1:22 – Where are you?
3:15 – Where are you, you slut…?
4:20 – Found You 🙂 Sleep tight, honey 🙂
I went into the store, and the salesman asked, “What does the girl want?” …
“The girl wants a martini, good man and regular sex, but I came for a bun …”
Once a man said to the God, “Why are all the girls so lovely, but all the women such bitches?” God replied, ‘I create girls, but you make them women…’
Husband comes gome from work:
– Dear, what do we have for dinner?
– Me!
– But, honey, I can’t eat anything fat!
Many women close their eyes during sex because they want to imagine that their man is rich.
– You know the saying – good sex ends after the wedding.
– It’s not true, I don’t have it like that, for example.
– Really?
– I didn’t have good sex even before the wedding.
Don’t believe the Kamasutra! There are only two positions in sex: either you or to you!
Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
The bloke sitting next to me at the bus stop pulled out a photograph of his wife and turned to me and said “she is gorgeous isn’t she?”
I replied to him “if you think she is gorgeous, you should see my wife!”
He then said to me “Why? Is she a stunner too?”
I then said “No, she is an optometrist”
The three most terrifying things in life:
1) to see your mother cry,
2) to see the love of your life cheat you,
3) Internet connection that is too slow.
If you feel that you are head over heels in love, sit down, take a deep breath and think. Maybe you just want sex!
Husband watches some video and shouts loudly:
– Don’t go there. Don’t go there you fool…
Wife asks:
– What are you watching?
Husband:
– Our wedding…