Jokes
Phone sex for sado-masochists:
– “I’m slowly taking my leg out of the bear trap”…
– I feel dizzy before having sex with a woman.
– That is strange. What do you do before having sex with a woman?
– What? I inflate it …
Politically correct designation of the left handed person
– “Person with non-traditional hand orientation”
Never do something that cannot be quickly explained to an ambulance…
The girl complains:
– I’m like a painting in an exhibition – everyone likes it, but it’s too expensive to take home.
Rich person confesses sins. The priest says, “Your most serious sin is greed.” The first step to fix it is to give 30 euros to the first person that you see. First person that he meets is a young girl. Rich man gives her 30 euros.
– Not enough. I need 50 euros.
– But the priest said 30.
– Well, the priest is a regular customer.
One Friday night, after a couple of champagnes 12 girls sent 12 text messages with the following text: “I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR!” and they received 12 different responses:
1.Who is writing?
2. Mom, are you sick?
3. Me too.
4.What did you do to the car?
5.I don’t understand.
6.This subscription cannot answer at the moment.
7.?
8. How much money do you need?
9. I’m already asleep, what did you want?
10. If you don’t tell who you really wanted to send this message, you can’t come home.
11. I told you not to drink so much.
12. Whatever you whant to ask, the answer is NO.
Sally complains to Molder:
– It seems that I have a Stranger inside me.
– That is no Stranger! It’s me!
What do a healthy dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common?
Both have a wet nose.
Wife says to husband after attending a striptease show:
– It wasn’t enough that you put 50 euros behind the dancers panties, you then had to look there too!! “Honey, I was hoping to find a change there!”
– Dear, as the doctor will tell you – this is syphilis! As your wife, I will kill you, you piece of shit!
– Why are you divorcing your husband?
– He’s cheating on me.
– That is so evil!
– Of course! He says that I do not have what he needs! Imagine?! I am perfect for every other of my lovers, but not for him!
– Honey, did you bring the kid home from kindergarten?
– Yes.
– But this is not my child!
– The other one is not yours either!
Husband returned home in the morning, and his wife asks:
– Why didn’t you stay home last night?!
– Madness! – the man exclaims. -The same thing every morning for five years!
Recently married girl calls to her mother:
– You know, Eric asks me to make him tea, but I can’t find such a thing in the cookbook!
New wife wakes up in the morning, goes to the mirror and looks at herself. Then she looks at her sleeping husband and whisper poisonously:
– That’s what you deserve!
– We are married only for two days, but you are already cursing on me…
-Yes, but I’ve had five husbands before you, so I know exactly when to start cursing!