Jokes
– Honey, I don’t think we need to buy a vacuum cleaner! Let’s hire a girl to clean the house!
– In that case, I recommend not saving money for air conditioning either. We can replace it with a nice guy with a fan in his hands!
Husband and wife in bed.
– My dear!
– If I were your “dear”, you wouldn’t get with other women!
– Then you would be my “only one,” but you are “my dear”.
Wife yells to her husband:
– You’re drunk again! I don’t understand how can you drink every day?!
Husband (angry):
– How many times do I have to tell you not to talk about things you don’t understand!
The Frenchman says to his wife:
– You can try to look as young as you want, but remember that there must be at least 9 months between you and our daughter!
– I heard that your daughter got married?
– Yes.
– And how about the new husband? Good?
– Good! Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t work …
Young husband comes to work after the wedding. Colleagues asks:
– Well, how was the wedding night?
– I don’t remember! I lost consciousness soon after she removed her glued lashes.
Wife to husband:
– You are so mean! Why do you always stay silent when we argue?!
– Hey, honey! I want to come back to you and the children!
– Yes, and?!
– Please open the balcony door, because it is so cold outside!
One girlfriend asks the other:
– I’m wondering how your husband remembers your wedding anniversary?
– Fortunately, he doesn’t remember!
– Why “fortunately”?
– Because I remind him of it several times a year and I always get presents.
– Darling, tomorrow I will go to my mother, I will stay there for a week. What else can I do for you?
– Nothing, that’s enough!
Every woman needs two things for complete happiness:
Husband and everything else.
In the morning husband complains to his wife:
– Honey, I slept so bad last night!
– Is there anything at all that you do good?
Husband watches figure skating on TV and says:
– Yes, with such a skater I would be happy to run any program!
– Let’s see how you will complete the mandatory program first, – wife mumbles while making bed.
Some man followes a woman. The woman stops, turns and asks:
– Why are you following me?
– When you turned around, I asked myself exactly the same question.
At the 50th anniversary of his wedding, husband gives a toast….
-Let’s have a drink to:
When women are 20, they are like a beautiful pink rose! When women are 35, they are tempting like a ripe apple! But when women are 50, they are like stewed meat!
The wife gets up and completes the toast …
– Then, dear guests, let’s drink about the fact that: That flower has already been picked! Someone else bit the apple! But the stewed meat, my dear, is left for you!
Young woman goes to church to confess her sins:
-Father, yesterday I called some guy “son of a bitch”.
-Why did you do that?
-He touched my hand.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s hand.
-Yes!
-But that’s not a reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He also touched my breasts.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s breasts.
-Yes!
-But that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He undressed me!
-Like this? – pastor undresses the girl.
-Yes!!
-Well, that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-Well, but then he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what.
-Like this? – pastor puts his thing into her place.
-Yes!!!
-It’s no reason to call him son of a bitch either.
-But he had AIDS!
-THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
– Guys, my lady recently returned from the resort and looks so good that it’s hard to recognize her!
-But it’s a different woman!
– Really?!
– Of course!
– Then that’s why she doesn’t oriente in our apartment…
The soldier goes on a military mission abroad. His father warns him before leaving:
– With women – no and no! Otherwise you will get some disease, then you will give it to your wife, she will give it to me, I – your mother, and you already know how your mother is! She will give it to the whole town!