Jokes
Two friends talk about family life:
– It seems to me that marriage is like a mirage in the desert with palaces, palms and camels. Then the castle disappears, then the palm trees, and in the end there is only a single camel.
Wife and husband talking.
Wife: Remember you fishing trip in the summer?
Husband: Yeah, and what?
Wife: Your fish called. She is pregnant.
A man buys bread in a store.
Man: Is that bread fresh?
Seller: Bread is still warm!
Husband: My wife is still warm, but she’s not fresh.
Wife talks to her husband.
Wife:
– I love you!
Husband does not answer…
Wife:
– I love you!
Husband does not answer…
Wife:
– I can’t hear.
Husband:
– Then speak louder.
Husband and his wife at the sex doctor.
The man says:
– Doctor, we are not having sex from the right side.
Doctor:
– Try from the left.
Husband answers:
– We can’t. Mom is sleeping there…
Ongoing interrogation at the police station where a man is accused of beating his wife.
Policeman:
– Sir, we have information that you have beaten your wife again!
Man:
– I have already explained once that we are having sex this way.
Policeman:
– It is written here that you have broken all her teeth!
Man:
– I prefer safe oral sex.
Honey, do I look like the perfect woman?
– No, you’re more than that!
– Really?! In what way?
– Well you have extra 50 kg…
– Honey, please bring me 5 plates!
– Why so much?
– I need to talk to your father…
Wife:
– Look at the old clothes I have to wear, I have nothing new! Guests will think I am a cook!
Husband:
– It’s okay! As soon as they taste the food, they will immediately doubt that.
A deaf man meets a friend and says:
– Yesterday I came home late and my wife started shouting at me!
– And what did you do?
– I turned off the light!
Divorce proceedings are taking place in court. The judge asks the wife why she married the man.
– Why?! I thought that if a person can drink every day, it means that he earns very well!
Wife:
– I seriously need to talk to you!
Husband:
– You start, but I will quickly run to the store!
Two months after the wedding, the mother asks her daughter:
– Well, how does he treat you?
– Great! He buys me whatever I ask!
– That means you ask too little.
Husband returns home after many years of absence and sees 3 children running around.
– Who are they?
– What?! They are our children!
– I wonder how they could have happened?!
– Oldest – when I went to see you.
– Middle one – when you were on vacation for 2 weeks.
– And the third?
Newlyweds have a fight and the wife moves to sleep in the living room.
Two weeks later, in the evening, husband knocks on the door.
– Leave me alone! – she calls.
– First look with what I’m knocking!
Man returns from a business trip. Wife, dressed in a robe, sits on the edge of the bed and combs her hair. Man looks under the bed – no one, in the closet – nothing, on the balcony – the same! He sits down next to his wife, hugs her and says sympathetically:
– Yes, we are getting older…
Train attendant comes to work and finds out that his train has been canceled. He drinks with his colleagues, and returns home late. His wife is not in the mood, he opens the bedroom closet door and sees a man sitting inside.
– Are you drinking tea?
-No, – the stranger replies.
– Then 20 euros from you per bed!
Two friends talking:
– You know, I probably won’t live with my wife anymore.
– Why?
– She boiled that soup again and I threw the whole pot out the window!
– It’s nothing, you will fix the situation.
– Unlikely. Sshe was standing under the window.