Jokes

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Two prostitutes meet. One has a black ribbon around her neck.
– Are you mourning?
– No, I have a black belt in oral sex.

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If a woman starts a conversation with the words “I don’t want to offend you…” then get ready to hear the most insulting thing in your life.

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– Hello, Peter? Come out to smoke, drink vodka, pick up prostitutes and play cards for stripping.
– It’s not Peter, but his mother.
– Oh, sorry. Please tell him: Peter, come outside to breathe fresh air, drink mineral water, meet nice girls, and also tell him to dress warmly – it’s cold outside!

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Woman at the dentist. While the dentist is drilling the tooth, her husband calls her. The dentist picks up the cell and says:
– Be so kind and wait. I’ll finish, she’ll spit it out and then you can have a normal conversation.

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A policeman drives past a parking lot where a car is parked. He comes closer, looks, a guy and a girl are sitting inside. The guy reads a newspaper, girl knits a sock. The policeman approaches the driver’s window and asks the guy:
– What are you doing?
– Don’t you see? I’m reading a magazine!
Police officer:
– But her?
– Knitting a sock.
Police officer:
– How old are you?
The guy:
– Nineteen.
Police officer:
– And she?
The guy looks at his watch:
– In 10 minutes she will be eighteen.

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I had a difficult childhood. My parents were very poor. If I had been born a girl, I would have had nothing to play with at all.

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During a visit to the doctor, the girl asks to be prescribed medicine for a stronger character. The doctor scratches his bald head in amazement:
– What exactly worries you?
– I lack the firmness of character. I’m unable to say “No”.
– Wait a second, I’ll lock the door.

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A psychotherapist for a patient:
– After our first conversation, I have two news for you – bad and good. The bad thing is that you are undoubtedly a closeted homosexual.
Patient:
– And what are the good news?
The psychotherapist sits closer:
– You are nice…

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The husband returns home and sees his wife in sexy underwear. She hands him the rope and says in an erotically excited voice:
– Tie me up and do whatever you want!
The husband tied her up and went fishing.

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

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A single cleaning lady becomes pregnant. To the question of who is the child’s father, she answers quite briefly:
– You think that I look back all the time while washing the stairs?

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The way to a woman’s refrigerator is through her heart.

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Armed robbers break into a bank.
– Hands up! Everyone on the floor! Don’t move!
All employees lie down on the floor. The senior cashier whispers in the young employee’s ear:
– Takes a decent pose. It’s a heist, not the boss’s birthday party.

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A beautiful woman pleases men’s eyes, an ugly one – women’s…

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Once, the sewer system broke down in an apartment, and the father called a plumber. But this father had a daughter – a real beauty. While the plumber is working, the daughter whispers in his ear:
– Father will offer you a bottle of vodka – don’t drink it!! He will offer you money – don’t take it!! Just ask him for the old hat hanging in the hall.
The guy does as he is told: he fixes the drain, refuses the drink and money, takes only the old hat and leaves. The father hugs his daughter and says:
– My little girl! Oh, how we fooled him!

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A man is driving along an empty country road and he really wants to fuck. He notices a field of pumpkins, gets out, takes one pumpkin, carves a hole and starts having sex. He does it so passionately that he doesn’t even notice that the policeman is approaching.
Police officer:
– Do you even understand that it is a pumpkin?!
Man:
– What? Is it midnight already?

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But we won’t be in too much of a hurry with kissing – said the prince to himself, getting down from the sleeping Snow White.

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The fisherman catches a goldfish and says:
– I want a house, a car and a big plasma TV.
Fish:
– Loan or leasing.

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