Jokes

Two friends talking:
– Imagine my wife has lost her sanity – she refused to have sex with me forever!
– How do understand that?
– Said that – until I return home clear, there will be no sex!

Husband calls his wife:
– Dear, don’t wait for me at home tonight!
– What happened? – The wife asks.
– I’ll be in the meeting tonight! I will stay with her …

Wife – to husband:
– I was a fortune teller, and it is clear to me that you should not go on a planned business trip!
– Will I be so bad there ?! – The man is amazed.
– No, quite the opposite – you will be too good there.

Two acquaintances met.
– So where did you hurry so early?
– To the pharmacy for condoms!
– Has the wife arrived?
– On the contrary – left!

The gynecologist’s wife returns from work earlier and catches her husband in bed with a woman.
“Dear,” she exclaims in surprise, “do you really have so much work to do that you decided to take it home ?!”

Angry wife – to her husband:
– If a child is like you, it will be a great misfortune for him!
“But if the child is not like me, it will be a great misfortune for you,” the man replies.

Phone conversation.
– Hello, darling, what do you like better – peaches or bananas?
– Are you in the market?
– No, at the pharmacy…

The man returns home in the early hours of the morning.
– Where have you been? – the wife angrily asks.
– You see, darling, you often ask me where I would go if I wasn’t married to you. That’s where I come from!

The wife is sleeping in bed with a lover when her husband suddenly returns home.
– Madness! She exclaims. – Hide, or he’ll kill you!
– He? ME ?! Never! – The lover exclaims. – I owe him 50 euros.

The old man comes to the magician and asks:
-Do you remove the worst curses?
-Yes, and you have a hunch that they are curses and who imposed them?
-It was a witch who said 30 years ago, “I declare you husband and wife!”

Two acquaintances met.
– I heard you have married again!
– Yes, with Inese.
– Why?! She is your ex-wife’s sister!
– I’m already used to this mother.

The judge asks the man:
“Every night you come home, you find a man in the bedroom closet, don’t you?”
– Yes, Mr. Judge!
– And it became the cause of a dispute between you and your wife?
– Of course! I couldn’t hang my jacket there!

A masseur is a man who receives money from women for the same thing that others would get in his mouth.

A man asks his friend:
– Listen, why does your wife tell me that you can six times a night ?!
– Do not pay attention! – A friend answers. – He counts “in – out”.

-The doctor enters the ward and hears that a patient with a high temperature is telling his wife, who is sitting by his bed:
-You my beautiful, you my wise, you my treasure, my beloved, the most beautiful in the world!
The doctor contacts the patient’s wife:
-And long ago he started to rave?

Dear, help close it!
– Can’t you ?!
The wife begins to nibble to close the bra until the husband passes and says:
– What do you do there!!! What makes it a bra ?! It’s easier to close it at the front, then turn it as needed and put the straps on your shoulders!
– Hmm, where did you learn that ?!
– How – where ?! Friends told!

The wife comes to the husband:
– Dear, do you remember that we have a 20th wedding anniversary today?
The man lifts his eyes from the newspaper and mutters:
– Think about it, I would be released from prison now if I had killed you right away.

A husband sleeps on a death bed, dies, and says to his wife:

– I want to tell you the whole truth before I die: I slept with your mother and sister.

“I know, darling, that’s why I poisoned you.”