Jokes

A 70-year-old lady enters a sex shop, shakes all flesh, and asks the seller in a shaky voice:
– Dddo you hhhave artificial dildos for sale?
Looking at the surprise, the seller replies: – Yes, Grandma!
– bbbbbut is itttt so longgg (showing about forty centimeters by hand)?
– Yes.
– Aaaaand so tttthick (showing by hand centimeters ten in diameter)?
Seller confused: – We have five different types.
– Ddddoes anyone know tttthey have a vivvbrator?
– One is.
– wwwwill you ssshow how it cccan be turned off?.?

Catholic church. A young woman kneeling before Our Lady recites a prayer:
– Our Lady, you who became pregnant without sinning, give me the ability so that I will not get pregnant while sinning.

The deeper the décolleté, the easier it is for a woman to breathe, … and the harder it is for a man to breathe …

– Let’s play the irons!
– Let’s play! How to do it?
– I’ll spit on you, but you’ll snort!

The girl calls the boy:
– Are you coming to make love to me?
– Father and a mother will allow?
– Hardly with my mother, but with me maybe.

A survey was conducted. Women were interviewed and asked – Would you have sex without an orgasm?

20% – No!
20% – Yes!
60% – What is an orgasm?

From the letter: “I hold your photo in one hand, but in the other – I think of you …”

Two in nature under the tree:
-Dear, help me, please! Get it faster!
-Dear, you got something stuck there, stuck, right? Oh, how little …
-Beware- you see how vulnerable he is! -I’ll be careful, of course! … He’s so mobile! … Eggs untouched?
– Probably not. Leave you a stick? -Please be so good .. Yes … It was not easy for young nature lovers to put the fallen bird back in the nest …

A young woman calls a plumber. A plumber comes, a woman is waiting for her in one bathrobe. He repairs what needs to be repaired and declares “25 euros”. The woman thinks and bare shoulders. The plumber changed, he thought again and again: “25 euros”. The woman bare his other shoulder. The man scolded, though, and still doesn’t care again: “25 euros”. The woman is unhappy to drop her bathrobe, the plumber stands, scolded, thinks and announces “25 euros”. The woman returns the money and the plumber goes to the store, where she buys beer for all the money she receives. Drink all the beer in one technique, run around the corner and explain for a long, long time, explaining: “You didn’t know how to get up, now you have a baby, you have a baby …”

– Sun?
– Yes, kitty?
– My fish, get ready to eat!
– Of course, bear!
– Thank you, chicken!
– Nothing, let’s go!
– Listen, don’t you remember too, what is your name?

An ugly dragon settles in a dark cave near a city, catches all the people in a row, and makes them suck.
One day a journalist from a town newspaper went to the dragon. “What do you need?”
The dragon asks for this. “I came here to get an interview from you,”
the journalist replies. “Hey, hey, hey, come up with a name,” the dragon rejoiced. “Well, take that with, gourmet.”

The wife finds out that her husband has a lover.
In the evening, she thought about finding out about the relationship.

– Fima, tell me, is she more beautiful than me?
– What are you, Sarah! You are the most beautiful.
– Am I cooking badly?
– Nobody prepares better than you.
– What about the case?
– Understand when we fell in love, she screams, she screams…
– Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I will shout too. Not worse for him. The same night they decide to give it a try.
The wife asks: – Well, start shouting? –
No, it’s too early.
– And now?
– Wait, I’ll tell you.
– Now shout?
– Yes.
– Oi-oi! No money at home! Oh, the kids haven’t eaten!

The man sees the inscription on the door of the women’s convent – “Sex with a young nun – 500 euros”.
The man knocks, a charming nun opens the door, takes the money, and says:
– I will prepare, but you will walk down the hall, and then the door will be on the right. The man quickly pushes through the hallway, opens the indicated door, and enters the street again.
Looking back, the inscription on the door – “Today you got a sister Mary”.

– Was your husband helped by the arousing powder I prescribed last week?
– Yes, Doctor, I poured him coffee and he took me to the table!
– Then everything is fine …?
– Yes, we are no longer allowed in that restaurant.

Doctor to patient:
– Congratulations, a new life has appeared in your body!
– Doctor, what are you doing here? I’m a man!
– In general, it doesn’t matter …

Two sleep in a bed after casual sex. She, bored, rolls her eyes across the room and says,
– Well, the apartment is small too …

The wife returns home with new diamond earrings.
– Where did you pull them? The man asks.
– Oh, you won’t believe it! I found it on the street.
– Fryer! You always find something, but I’ve only found panties in our bed once in my life, and they were too big for me.

I met a beautiful, smart woman on the Internet, but when I met her, it turned out that she was a thick, bald-haired old man. That’s why sex was not like that …