Jokes

A jeep stops next to the prostitute, and the man asks through the window:
– What about 50 euros?
She: – Absolutely Everything!
He: – Get inside, you will help the house to concrete the foundations!

One woman had three daughters. When the elder married and went to live with her husband, the mother asked her daughter to send a letter about her intimate life. Two weeks later, a letter arrives with only one word written: Nescafe. Mom didn’t understand at first, but then accidentally saw Nescafe’s ad in the newspaper: “Enjoy until the last drop,” and was very happy about her daughter. The middle daughter then married, to whom her mother asked for the same. A week later, a letter arrives from her daughter: Benson & Hedges. Mom starts looking for an ad for that cigarette in all the newspapers. She soon found the text, “Extra Long, King Size,” and rejoiced over her daughter. And finally, it was time to marry the youngest daughter. Only a few months later, the mother received a letter: ”British Airways”. The mother found a newspaper with an airline ad and, reading the text, lost consciousness: “Three times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.”

Wife to husband:
– I got someone at the door yesterday, I asked who was there, but it asks: Do you want to fuck? I say no, but I’m afraid.
– I’ll stay home tomorrow, pick up the stake and stand behind the door when it asks
–  you want to fuck?. He will come and I’ll put him on the forehead!
Tomorrow comes, the man behind the door, someone knocks.
Wife: – Who is there?
– Do you want to fuck?
– Yes “Then tell your husband to fuck you, not my wife …”

A new porn salon has opened. One man goes to test it out.

-Do you have women?
-No!
-And men do you have?
-No!
-A do you have porn movies?
-No!
-And what do you have?
-Raccoon!
Well do nothing, the man takes the raccoon and enters the cabin after 2 hours satisfied comes out.
Another customer comes the next day and asks:
-Do you have women?
-No!
-And men?
-No!
-And porn movies do you have?
He is very convincingly and eloquently answered: -Yes! The 2-hour film “A man with a raccoon!”.

In the restaurant
– Hey darling, let’s go back to mine…
– What did you think, that for dinner and a couple of cocktails I’ll be in bed with you?
– emm… Officiant, please invoice, separately….

There are two guys standing at the bus stop and discussing the sympathetic girl standing next to them. guy’s friend:
– definitely, someone is already fucking her…
Suddenly the girl turns and demands: – Do you want to?
Guy: – Of course, I will not give up…
Girl: – Ok, I’ll call you right away and he’ll pick you up.

1st year – for anyone.
2nd year – just for him.
3rd year – for him and his friend.
4th year – for everyone.
5th year – for whom?

In the northern port, sailors enter a nearby shop and demand:

– You have a monastery in the city?
– No, no… It calls for more people for the monastery
– everyone answers that it is not. Finally, one sailor says to the other:
– I said that we fuck the penguin, and you – a nun, a nun…

Letter to the beloved girl!

Dear bunny ‘, what’s new with you?
Tell everything without shame,
Write me a few words,
As you peel the haystacks.
Who has your spirit now, pushed in the mouth, nourished behind the cheek?
Don’t have a cold surface And doesn’t the belt freeze at work?
Take care of yourself – go slowly, Give so old – they are not boys…
But when I finish serving, I will put you in the house. In the meantime, wash the gel and look for a sign from a doctor!

– Hi, Watson. Did you have an argument with your wife?
– What? How did you guess, sir?
– Elementary, Watson! You have a kitchen knife in your back!

Old friends meet, an old man with grandmother. Grandpa says:
– The old cemetery, where you wondered, what else do you hope to find?
Granny looks at her grandmother, her old friend, and gloomily determines:
– I will find and bury many more in my grave, but your corpse will never rise.

I do not understand women…
wife bought panties, said that for me…
then offended when I put them on…

I came from a business trip. I haven’t been home for a month. And I immediately felt something wrong … When a neighbor came in, my dog ​​immediately brought me my slippers! The wife said that the dog has recently become much more hospitable …

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
“Dad, what types of breasts can you name?”
The father replies: “Well, there are 3 types of breasts in general. For women in their 20s, breasts are like melons – round and firm. In her 30-40 years, her breasts are like pears – still nice, but a little drooping. At 50 they are like onions.
” Son: “How onions ???”
Father: “Yes – you see them, but you cry from them.”
The mother and daughter are outraged, and the daughter immediately asks, “Mom, what kind of ‘friends do you know?”
The mother says: “Well… men go through three phases. For them, in 20 years, the member is like an oak – powerful and strong. 30-40 years as birch – flexible but durable. In 50 years, it’s like a Christmas tree.
” Daughter: “How’s the Christmas tree ???”
Mother: “Well yes, darling. It’s dead and the eggs serve only as a decoration.”

Sherlock Holmes wakes up in the morning and says:
– Watson, you watched porn movies all night again …
– Yes, but how do you know that ?!
– First, your eyes are red.
– Yes, correct!
And secondly?
– Secondly, I have no other movies!

A new pose, called RODEO: a man on his back, a woman on top. RODEO begins when a woman says she has AIDS and is desperately trying to hold on …

– Beloved, my belly is growing, I feel pregnant!
– Aha! I even know who the father is.
– What?
– Pastry Shop!

At the court hearing, a case of rape is being considered, the main witness of an old old aunt.
Judge: – Madam, tell me what you saw
Aunt: – I walk, I walk along the meadow, here, I look, two hay fucks and…
The judge terminates: – Please use a civilized word-gatherer in a public place!
Aunt: – I walk, I walk along the meadow, where I look, two hay gathered in the wall, I walk closer, no, but in fact fucking.