Jokes
Tinder is for rookies!
Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It will show you recently divorced females.
From there you can filter by size.
A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, “Anything that you say can and will be held against you.”
The man then replies, “Boobs please!”
What is it that makes men chase women which they have no intention of marrying?
The very same urge that makes dogs chase cars which they have no intention of driving.
A little boy asks him mum “is it possible to eat electricity?”
The mother replies “no why?”
The boy then says “last night I heard you tell dad to turn the light off and stick it in your mouth.”
How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you?
There is a string hanging out of your bloody mary.
I distinctly remember my mother telling me, “I do not have a favourite child.”
I found this extremely hard to take as a kid, mainly because I was an only child.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician’s waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she’s going to have puppies!!!!!
As I quickly slid my pointer finger inside her damp hole, I could immediately feel her getting wetter and wetter. I then took my finger out and I could immediately see that she was going down on me.
I then said to myself “I think that I really need to save up and buy a new boat.”
I was at the dentist the other day and he says to me “this might sting a little bit, are you prepared?”
I said “yes”.
He then went on to say “I am sleeping with your wife.”
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Why are trombone players the best lovers?
Trumpet players use 3 fingers, Baritone players use 4 fingers, and Trombone players use 7 positions.
A farmer comes home late one night. He comes in the house and he has a pig with him. His wife is upset and comes into the room ready to ask why he’s coming back so late. The farmer says “this is the pig I’ve been fuckin’.” The wife in shock asks “you’ve been fucking a pig!?” To which the farmer replies “I wasn’t talking to you.”
A woman walks into a sex shop and is looking for a dildo. She asks the clerk “How much for the white one?”.
He says “That one’s $25.”
She asks “How much for the black one?”
He says “That one’s $45.” She looks around for a bit then asks “Mmmm, how much for the plaid one?”
Clerk responds “Ummm, that one’s $65.”
“Great I’ll take it.” she says. The store owner returns later in the day and asks the clerk “So how’d it go today?” The clerks says Well, I didn’t sell any merchandise but this woman came in and bought my thermos for $65.”
Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife.
“I suppose I’ll have to spread my legs now,” she says.
“Why,” he says. “Don’t you have a vase?!”
One of the employees of the local pickle factory is having a difficult time at home with his wife. She never wants to have sex anymore and there is always an excuse. One day after another excuse from his wife, he looses his cool and yells “I can’t take this anymore, I’m just gonna go to work and stick it in the pickle slicer!” To which she quickly replies “ha. go right ahead!” so the next day he heads to work but comes home early. The wife inquires as to why he is home so early to which he replies “I got fired! I told you I was going to work to stick it in the pickle slicer and I did.” She is in shock and asks him to whip it out so she can see the damaged, but when he does there is nothing wrong” Geez nothing happened to you, what happened to the pickle slicer” she asks. …. “oh they fired her too!”
A wife says to her husband “I’m leaving you and going to the city where I can do blowjobs for 100 bucks each! At least then I’ll have some money”. So the husband runs upstairs and brings down a suitcase full of his things. Wife asks “wait, where do you think you’re going?” Husband replies “I’m coming with you. I’m curious to see how you’ll live on 300 bucks a year”.
Three guys are walking their dogs and get to chatting while they do their business. As things wrap up, the first man says “hey, watch this.” He drops three treats on the ground, and his dog walks up, studies them, then barks – “woof, woof, woof.”
“See that? I’m a mathematician, I taught my dog how to count.”
“That’s nothing,” says the second man. He drops a small pile of treats, his dog walks up and begins nosing and pawing around, and then steps back, having made a perfectly stacked pyramid. “I’m an engineer, I taught my dog construction.”
“Guys, that’s nothing. I’m a bartender, watch this.” The third man drops two milk bones on the ground and steps back.
His dog crushes both treats, snorts them, fucks the other two dogs and then calls out of work sick the next day.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt, and says, “Here, iron this!”.