Jokes

It’s easier to be a woman – a little whim and you already have everything you want.
It’s harder to be a man – a little whim and you don’t even have anything to eat.

– Dear, what can I bring from Italy?
– An effective remedy for what you brought me from Turkey…

One day a week – be yourself. The other six days – restore your reputation.

Signs that a date is going wrong:
– She brought some other guy with her.
– She started to cry when she found out that you are a Gemini.
– She plays with her hair removing the wig from her bald head.
– She periodically reminds you to hurry, because she is paid by the hour after all.
– Three hours have passed since she went to the toilet.
– At five in the morning it became clear that “she is not like that”.
– While you were not in the basement, she managed to free herself from the chair and now is hiding somewhere with a knife in her hands.

Statistics show that in 90% of cases hamsters die from the owner’s ass!

This evening, my wife and children are leaving for the summer house.
So begins a happy but hungry summer.

Son, you are already big. You bring girls home, sleep with them. Your father and I decided that it’s time for you to finally buy your own couch…

When their eyes met, Dave was confused. And who can say – whether it was because he was in love, or because he was taking a dump behind the garage at that moment?

– Touch my breasts! Do you see how hard my nipples are? It’s from the cold…

– Fuck off Dave and start working!!!

Some lady invites me to her home to fix her wall socket and says: “Payment in pleasure!”
And I began to think, where was I fooled?
It turns out that she gets pleasure from both sex and that repaired wall socket, but I had to screw both with her and with that fucking wall socket?!

Without hesitation, the programmer named his newborn children New Son (1) and New Son (2).

My husband and I always exchange opinions.
He comes with his opinion, but leaves with mine!

– We are married only for two days, but you are already cursing on me…

-Yes, but I’ve had five husbands before you, so I know exactly when to start cursing!

One girlfriend asks the other:

– I’m wondering how your husband remembers your wedding anniversary?

– Fortunately, he doesn’t remember!

– Why “fortunately”?

– Because I remind him of it several times a year and I always get presents.

Last night I fell asleep in my son’s room. In the morning I read text messages from my husband:

1:22 – Where are you?

3:15 – Where are you, you slut…?

4:20 – Found You 🙂 Sleep tight, honey 🙂

I went into the store, and the salesman asked, “What does the girl want?” …

“The girl wants a martini, good man and regular sex, but I came for a bun …”

Once a man said to the God, “Why are all the girls so lovely, but all the women such bitches?” God replied, ‘I create girls, but you make them women…’

Husband comes gome from work:

– Dear, what do we have for dinner?

– Me!

– But, honey, I can’t eat anything fat!