Jokes
It’s easier to be a woman – a little whim and you already have everything you want.
It’s harder to be a man – a little whim and you don’t even have anything to eat.
– Dear, what can I bring from Italy?
– An effective remedy for what you brought me from Turkey…
One day a week – be yourself. The other six days – restore your reputation.
This evening, my wife and children are leaving for the summer house.
So begins a happy but hungry summer.
Son, you are already big. You bring girls home, sleep with them. Your father and I decided that it’s time for you to finally buy your own couch…
When their eyes met, Dave was confused. And who can say – whether it was because he was in love, or because he was taking a dump behind the garage at that moment?
– Touch my breasts! Do you see how hard my nipples are? It’s from the cold…
– Fuck off Dave and start working!!!
Some lady invites me to her home to fix her wall socket and says: “Payment in pleasure!”
And I began to think, where was I fooled?
It turns out that she gets pleasure from both sex and that repaired wall socket, but I had to screw both with her and with that fucking wall socket?!
Without hesitation, the programmer named his newborn children New Son (1) and New Son (2).
My husband and I always exchange opinions.
He comes with his opinion, but leaves with mine!
Signs that a date is going wrong:
– She brought some other guy with her.
– She started to cry when she found out that you are a Gemini.
– She plays with her hair removing the wig from her bald head.
– She periodically reminds you to hurry, because she is paid by the hour after all.
– Three hours have passed since she went to the toilet.
– At five in the morning it became clear that “she is not like that”.
– While you were not in the basement, she managed to free herself from the chair and now is hiding somewhere with a knife in her hands.
Statistics show that in 90% of cases hamsters die from the owner’s ass!
– I need urgent psychological rehabilitation.
– Come here, let’s get together!
– You’re a real friend.
Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
Late at night, tired, the husband reappears. Wife screams:
– Where were you?
“Dear, you are a wise woman to me,” says the man, “come up with something yourself.”
Young woman goes to church to confess her sins:
-Father, yesterday I called some guy “son of a bitch”.
-Why did you do that?
-He touched my hand.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s hand.
-Yes!
-But that’s not a reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He also touched my breasts.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s breasts.
-Yes!
-But that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He undressed me!
-Like this? – pastor undresses the girl.
-Yes!!
-Well, that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-Well, but then he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what.
-Like this? – pastor puts his thing into her place.
-Yes!!!
-It’s no reason to call him son of a bitch either.
-But he had AIDS!
-THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
What words do I say most often during sex? You will not believe: – Murmur, out of bed!
The bloke sitting next to me at the bus stop pulled out a photograph of his wife and turned to me and said “she is gorgeous isn’t she?”
I replied to him “if you think she is gorgeous, you should see my wife!”
He then said to me “Why? Is she a stunner too?”
I then said “No, she is an optometrist”