Jokes

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.” Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .” Kid 1: “As if.” Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.” Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.” Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.” Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?” The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

The schoolgirl returns home late at night. Mom to her:
– Where do you come from looking like that?
– Well, mom, I went to the disco…
– Get dressed and go to sleep.

A young man to his mother:
– Mother, three girls will come to visit us tonight. I’m going to marry one of them, you’ll have to guess which one.
When the girls leave, the young man asks his mother:
– Well, which one do you think was the right one?
– Of course, the one who sat in the middle.
– Yes! how did you guess
– Well, that – intuition: she already annoys me.

– What is the name of the German I am so crazy about?
– Alzheimer’s, dear. Alzheimer’s.

If a man is ready for anything for a woman, then he loves her.
If a woman is ready for anything for a man, then she has given birth to him.

The son comes home late in the evening. Father:
– Did you smoke?
– No, I just stood by when others were smoking.
– Of Course. And you sat next to them when others drank, and you slept next to them when they had sex.

A colonel in the army addresses a subordinate:
– If everything goes according to plan, then you can start making a hole for a new order.
– But if you don’t go?
– Well, you already have a hole just in case.

If a woman gives herself to a man for money, then she is not a gift.

What do blondes with two brain cells call themselves?
Pregnant woman.

What is the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?
Prostitute thinks: Isn’t he done yet?
Nymphomaniac thinks: Did he finish so soon?
Blonde thinks: Beige. I could paint the ceiling beige.

How to recognize the groom at a young Russian wedding?
He has the most expensive tracksuit.

Why do women watch porn until the end?
Because they think all movies end with a wedding.