Jokes

A beautiful woman pleases men’s eyes, an ugly one – women’s…

Once, the sewer system broke down in an apartment, and the father called a plumber. But this father had a daughter – a real beauty. While the plumber is working, the daughter whispers in his ear:
– Father will offer you a bottle of vodka – don’t drink it!! He will offer you money – don’t take it!! Just ask him for the old hat hanging in the hall.
The guy does as he is told: he fixes the drain, refuses the drink and money, takes only the old hat and leaves. The father hugs his daughter and says:
– My little girl! Oh, how we fooled him!

A man is driving along an empty country road and he really wants to fuck. He notices a field of pumpkins, gets out, takes one pumpkin, carves a hole and starts having sex. He does it so passionately that he doesn’t even notice that the policeman is approaching.
Police officer:
– Do you even understand that it is a pumpkin?!
Man:
– What? Is it midnight already?

But we won’t be in too much of a hurry with kissing – said the prince to himself, getting down from the sleeping Snow White.

The fisherman catches a goldfish and says:
– I want a house, a car and a big plasma TV.
Fish:
– Loan or leasing.

At the urologist:
– It seems you have already been to me. What’s the last name?
– Ivanov.
– Prostatitis?
– No, Konstantin.

Evening. Family at home. Mother takes a shower, father also goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Seeing the mother in the shower awakens his natural instincts. Everything happens, but they forget to lock the door. Little Peter opens the door and sees his mother and father doing their thing. The father tries to find a way out of the situation, starts demonstratively hitting the mother on the bottom and calls:
– Don’t you ever scold our son like you did today!
Peter:
– Right, dad, right! You have to also fuck our cat, so it doesn’t scratch me!

Divorce. The husband begins to tell the judge about the reasons for the divorce:
– My wife has a twin sister. Once I happened to be in her bed…
Judge:
– Are they really no different?
Husband:
– That’s exactly what I wanted to find out!

The man comes to see a psychiatrist:
– Doctor, I’ve been seeing the same dream every night for six months: I meet the same charming girl on the street, in a restaurant or in a bar. We go to my house, then she does a striptease on the table, and then we have sex until the morning.
Psychiatrist:
– And what do you want from me?
A man:
– I’m already tired of her. I want another woman!

Two friends meet. One asks the other:
– Hi! How are you, what’s new?
The other sighs:
– My wife is cheating on me…
The first one:
– No, you didn’t understand me – I asked what’s new for you.

Two friends meet. One asks:
– Listen, don’t you think that your wife is cheating on us?

The daughter tells her mother:
– Mom, yesterday my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our lives.
Mother:
– It’s clear about you, but how can you be sure that it was also his first time?
Daughter:
– His penis was still wrapped in a plastic!

The teacher is stern to Peter:
– Peter, where have you been all quarter?
Peter:
– I was sick…
Teacher:
Yeah right! You hang out in strip club – you were healthy enough to be there, but not to go to school!?
Peater:
– I…
Teacher:
– Don’t start denying it, I saw you from the stage!

Husband to wife:
– You trample my love!
Wife:
– It’s your own fault! How many times have I said to you: when you release the air, roll it up and put it in the closet!

Husband to wife:
– Dear, I had a wonderful dream last night. Like we’re not married yet and I’m asking for your hand…
Wife:
– Oh! What happened next?
Husband:
– You refused me…

Many bachelors dream of a beautiful, smart and sympathetic wife. Many married men dream of the same thing.

– Well, it is difficult for me to determine your diagnosis. Maybe it’s alcoholism.
– Oh well… Okay, then I’ll come back when you are sober.

Son to father:
– Dad, who is an optimist?
Father:
– An optimist? A man who, seeing cigar ashes in the room, thinks that his wife has stopped smoking cigarettes.