Jokes

The husband visits the travel office:
– I would like to buy cruise tickets for me and my wife.
Office worker:
– Would you have any special wishes – separate beds, separate cabins?
Above:
– Separate ships.

Two girlfriends meet. One:
– Where is your husband?
The other:
– At home with your four-legged friend.
First:
– Oh! I didn’t even know you bought a dog!
Second:
– It’s not a dog, it’s a sofa.

Two husbands discuss married life. One says:
– I remember in the first years of marriage, I always hugged her so hard that she was afraid that I would strangle her.
Second:
– And how is it now?
The first:
– So she doesn’t turn out to be wrong…

Son to father:
– Dad, what did you want more – a son or a daughter?
Father:
– In general, I just wanted to have a good time…

Wife to husband:
– Every time I start singing, you go out on the balcony. Don’t you like the way I sing?
Husband:
– I like it, but I don’t want the neighbors to think that I hit you.

And God separated the light from the darkness and found it good. And God created the earth, fish, and other animals and found them good. Then God created man – nothing to add or take away. Then God created woman. God looked at him, looked at him for a long time, and finally said: “Okay, it will be painted.”

And Noah took each animal in pairs on his ark, but then he remembered that the woman on the ship was bringing misfortune, and he set her down. That is why man also came from apes.

A civil servant on a business trip abroad. After walking around the shops, in the evening he relaxes in his hotel room with his sexy colleague. The mobile phone is ringing. The clerk picks up, the caller is his wife:
– Well, did you buy everything I ordered? Good Job! Now you probably are having a good rest with the hoes?
The clerk covers the receiver with his palm and whispers to his colleague:
– The wife is calling, she is worried about you…

The young fireman rushes up the stairs to the top floor of a burning building. Having climbed all the way up, he finds that the ladder is propped up against the bathroom window and there is a charming lady in a thin robe standing there. Firefighter:
– You are already the second pregnant woman I have saved this year.
Lady:
– I’m sorry, but I’m not pregnant.
Firefighter:
– I haven’t saved you yet.

You can look at three things endlessly: a fire burning, water flowing and a woman parking her car.

A woman comes to the psychotherapist with a rather sad look – tired, bruises under her eyes… Psychotherapist asks:
– Oh, my God, what happened to you?
Woman:
– Doctor, I have a problem with my husband. As soon as he comes home drunk, the things quickly go to beating.
Psychotherapist:
– I’ll prescribe you medicine – there will be one tea. When your husband comes home after drinking, take this tea and start rinsing your mouth with it.
Woman:
– Will it really help?
Psychotherapist:
– It will, it’s a great remedy! Come back for an examination in two weeks.
The woman leaves. Two weeks later, she is back – radiant, happy:
– Doctor, thank you! Such a simple tool and so effective! Where is the secret of its effeciency?
Psychotherapist:
– The fact is that in such cases, closing your mouth and keeping quiet always helps.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

The guy is sitting at the bar. An obvious supermodel enters the bar: eyes, lips, breasts, legs, hips – all sexy. The guy notices that she is looking at him and tries to get acquainted:
– Maybe one coke?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course.
They both drik coke. The guy says:
– Maybe gin and tonic?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course.
They both drink. The guy:
– Maybe let’s go for a walk?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course.
They both go out. Walk for a while. The guy:
– Maybe let’s go to my place?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course.
They go to the guy’s house. The guy:
– Maybe let’s have another drink?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course.
They drink. The guy:
– Maybe one kiss?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course!
They kiss. The guy:
– Maybe let’s undress?
Supermodel:
– Yes of course!!!
They both undress. Both laying in bed. The supermodel impatiently asks:
– Well, what’s next?
The guy:
– I don’t know… I’ve never got further than one coke before.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

Wife goes to a sex pathologist and complains to him:
– Doctor, my husband has been bothering me a lot. As soon as he gets home from work, he eats soup and immediately pull me to bed. Where does he get so much strength?
The doctor recommends:
– Get him a second job, say him that you don’t have enough money.
The wife does that. Husband comes home from his second job for the first time. Wife is waiting for him:
– Do you want soup?
Husband:
– What soup, I’m tired as a dog, get to the bed!

A young girl is standing at a bus stop. A strong wind rises and pulls up her dress. The girl is struggling with the wind and notices that she is being watched by an unknown man. Girl gets angry:
– I see you’re not a gentleman.
Man:
I also see that you are not a gentleman.

The school year is like a pregnancy – it lasts nine months, but you get sick already after second week.