Jokes
– Do you know that there are 18 thousand prostitutes in Riga?
– Just?
It turns out that I paid for the rest for free?
Husband arguing:
– Enough! I’m tired of playing the second violin!
She:
– Don’t even start! Glad you’re still in the orchestra!
Husband:
1) every Wednesday I play football with my friends, no matter the snow,
rain or any other conditions! FOO-TBA-LL! Understand?!
Wife: Got it!
Husband:
2) I play POKER with my friends every Friday! Whatever.
Understand?!
Wife: Got it!
Husband:
3) Every Sunday I have FISHING – winter, rain, something
even your mother’s birthday – no matter what! I have FISHING!
Understand?!
Wife: Got it!
Husband: The objections are?
Wife: None.
Husband: Well then maybe you also have some habits that I have to follow and respect?
Wife: YES, one! I have sex every night at 9! There is a husband at home – or no husband at home – I still have SEX! Understand?!
He and she are making love.
He: – Let’s try pose number 68?
She: – What is it?
He: – You suck my dick, but I owe you 5EUR
Chemical element – WOMAN
Symbol: SV
Manufacturer: God
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: on average 63, 3 kg, varies between 40 and 200 kg.
Occurrence: in significant numbers in populated areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
-The surface is usually covered with a thin colored layer.
-Boils by itself, freezes for no apparent reason.
-Melt when handled properly.
-Code if used incorrectly.
-Available in various forms, from real nuggets to raw ore.
-Easily succumbs to pressure in the right places.
Peter comes to his mother and says: you know, grandma has a squid between her legs!
Mom goes to watch.
Enter the room, staring at the sleeping grandmother-naked and full of Caffe.
Mom tells Peter: he sees it’s not squid, but (and explains the woman’s physiology).
Peter looks around, hangs behind his ear, and concludes: strange, but tasted like squid.
The father comes home and catches his daughter in love with the boy. The guy thinks that this is how he will start reading my morals, but his father approaches the guy and asks, “Young man, do you have a statement that you are not sick with AIDS?”
Guy: “Yes, yes! Of course! I have!”
Father: “Now you can safely throw it out.”
Advertising at the gas station:
“He who puts on a full lighthouse will be able to participate in the lottery! Prize – free sex!
” Two old men approach, add a full lighthouse and go to pay. Of course, the elders ask if they can participate in the lottery. The owner of the petrol station explains that the rules are very simple – he imagines a number from one to ten, the one who remembers has won.
One of the oldest:
– Seven!
Host:
– No, I imagined the number two, try next time… Not a week goes by when the elders are here again.
– Three!
– Unfortunately, I imagined five, maybe next time you will do better…
The old men get in the car and one of them says: – Its a lot of suspicion. Maybe he’s just a fraudster?
The other eagerly answers:
– No, you what! My wife has already won twice!
A man enters a pub to approach a table where a beautiful girl is sitting. And they say – Bond, James Bond! The girl turns to her and says- Off, fuck off!
Correct and polite sex
– Lydia, would you mind having sex with me?
– Yes, Eduard, I am still in the mood to get together.
– Take off your clothes.
– You too, my friend.
– Lydia, you have properly shaped breasts.
– Eduard, you have a strong erection.
– Let’s try pose no. 83. This will ensure optimal access.
– Please be tactful with me.
– I insert my penis into your vagina, Lydia.
– I’m passionate, Eduard. My body glows in flames. Please go a little higher if not hard.
– I started friction. “You may increase the amplitude, Eduard.”
– Lydia, you have a properly shaped breast.
– Thank you, Eduard. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent.
– We continue the act of association.
– Eduard, I culminated.
– Me too, Lydia. Stormy enough.
– Thank you.
– Thank you.
Jānītis looks into his parents’ bedroom, where his father installs a condom at this very moment. Hoping that Jānītis will not have noticed all this, Dad throws himself on all fours on the floor and pretends to be interested in what is happening under the bed. Jānītis asks:
– Dad what are you doing?
– You see, son, I thought the mouse ran under the bed…
– Hmm, and after all, you decided to fuck him…?
Three friends meet. One tells:
– I sent my wife to a resort in Turkey!
Second:
– I sent mine – to Sharm el-Sheikh in Egypt!
Third:
– I have sex with my wife myself …
Office of Migration Affairs:
– Name?
– Abdul Al-Rhazib.
– Sex?
– Three to five times a week.
– Well, no … I mean male or female?
– Male, female, sometimes camel.
– Holy cow!
– Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
– But is that hostile?
– Horse style, Doggystyle, any style!
– Oh dear!
– Well, no! Deer run too fast …!
At the age of sixteen, a fortune teller predicted that I would spend all my money with women. Now I have a wife and three daughters. Back then, at the age of 16, I had imagined it differently! …
A notice is posted on a notice board in the lobby of a country hotel
-Please don’t throw it out of the window! Because geese eating it choke!
I don’t eat breakfast because I love you.
I don’t eat lunch because I love you.
I don’t eat dinner because I love you.
I don’t sleep at night because I want to eat.