Jokes

A year after the wedding, the former husband comes to the reunion:
– You know, I’m infinitely happy,
that wife chose for me.
– Why?
– Just out of a thought
that I have chosen her myself, I would die.

If you want to quit smoking but you can’t!
If you want to quit drinking but you can’t!
If you want to quit sex but you can’t!
Then spit, because no drinker has died from smoking during sex!

The old cat goes to the kittens, invites the new one.
Old cat: “Will you come to bath?”
New: “I’ll come.”
The old cat climbing into the attic with kittens. Where is the new one? Will you stay down or climb up? The young man thinks that I have to climb up, I will stay right here at the gate.
The old man wanders through the attic to his heart’s content until he gets tired. Climb’s down, watches the young rookie in the wind, and the poor man finally shrinks on the island.
Old cat: “Well, I’m going home, will you stay with me?”
The young rookie: “Well, I’m going to get some more pussy here and I’ll go, too.”

One girlfriend complains:
– Oh, darling, I couldn’t fall asleep in my room the first night on a business trip. The drunken boss knocked on the door all night and roared.
Other:
– And how did it all end?
First:
– I got tired in the morning and I let him out …

An old old man watches TV and suddenly starts shouting loudly:
-Old, come and see what perversions are showing today!
Granny comes, looks, and says to her old man:
– Blind fool, put on your glasses, here shows Fidel Castro eating a banana!

The guy enters the girls’ dormitories, where he is stopped by the commandant and asked, “Who are you? “Who would you recommend?”

A real man to the question
what he likes better –
blondes or brunettes
will simply answer “Yes!”.

The teacher enters the classroom and sees a huge member drawn on the board. She asks the class:
– Who drew it?
After a short silence, Peter gets up:
– I drew.
– So, please come out of class.
Both leave, do not return for 10, 20 minutes … After half an hour, a satisfied Pēterītis enters the class and, pushing his pants forward, determines:
– I said – advertising has power.

Peter:
– What would you not want your girl to do in bed?
Janis:
– Snatch!
Peter:
– I think – during sex.
Janis:
– Especially during sex …

While sleeping in the woods,
There is sex joy in the forest.
Hedgehogs fucking very neat,
The badger takes care of the shrooms.
While the hare is putting it in the elk,
Bear fucks the squirrel.
Others don’t fuck at all,
There are not enough for the wild boars.
The fox finishes unusual,
She masturbates with a tail.
Everything like a porn fairy tale,
Only the wolf jerks alone!

A young couple visits a marriage psychologist. The psychologist asks the wife what the problem is.
“My husband suffers from premature ejaculation,” she replies.
“Is it true?” the psychologist asks the husband.
“Not quite,” the man replies. “It’s her who’s suffering, not me.”

-Do you believe that dreams come true?
-Yes of course.
-Well, then undress!

The assistant professor asks in the lecture:
– If you put dishes with water and vodka in front of the ram, what would they drink? Audience as one voice:
– Water!
– Why?
– Because they are rams!

The couple is doing their thing in bed … Suddenly there is a knock on the door – HUSBAND !. As usual, the young man throws himself in the closet.
A man enters, suspicious, begins to search the room, immediately will be up to the closet. The person sitting in the closet is already preparing for the worst when suddenly the crawling cockroach tells him:
“Listen, you know, it’s a spell – shake yourself behind a dick and turn into a cockroach!”
What else is left for the desperate, he does as he says and sees – he really turns into a cockroach. The husband opens the closet door, the young cockroach crawls out of the closet, crawls down the street, and decides to turn back into a man.
Pull yourself behind your penis – nothing happens. Pulls again – nothing again! Jerk more, more, more …
Suddenly he hears a voice here: “Hurry up, it’s not enough that you sleep for an hour, you also are masturbating!”

The wife tells her husband:
– Dear, I have a birthday tomorrow. What will you give me?
Husband:
– I’ll fuck you!
Wife:
– What if I don’t want to?
Husband:
– Well, then you will be left without a gift!

If a man loves with his eyes,
then at least try
so that the gaze is firm!

Girl:
“Do you want to meet me?
The boy:
“You are not an adult”
Girl:
“Age doesn’t matter”
The boy:
“And prison is just a room!”

Question for a Frenchwoman:
-Are you talking to your husband during sex?
-Of course, if there is a telephone nearby …