Jokes

Man – a strange creature…

He spends nine months of his life trying to get out and the rest of the time to get back in.…

– Girl, do you love animals?
– Yes…
– Take me with you, I’m such a pig …

Queue at the gynecologist.
The man arrives and the beggar who last.
– Understand, though – here’s the line at the gynecologist!
– Yes, yes, I know! – But a gynecologist is a female doctor!
– Well, yes! Does he make spirals for women?
– Yes, it does.
– Then he can remove them!

Phone sex.
She:
– I’m getting excited more and more…
He:
– I’ll be done soon…
Suddenly the operator’s voice sounds:
– Dear subscriber, finish faster!
30 cents left in your account!

Three old men, measuring penises ..
– I got -16!
– I -20!
– But I got -37 !!!
– Can’t be, what you measured with?
– With thermometer…

Husband marries with wife. On the first night of the wedding, the wife says to her husband, “You know, I have to reveal something to you. I have one breast smaller than the other!” The wife pulls off the blouse and shows up, but the husband replies, “It’s nothing, I love you so much!” Then the man says, “I have something to say to you – I’m down there like a child.” The man takes off his pants and shows up. The wife faints. After a while, the wife regains consciousness and says to her husband, “How, but you said as a child!” The man replies, “Well, 3 kilograms and 51 cm!”

“What is the woman of your dreams?”
“Around the age of forty, a little round, wearing glasses and restrained costumes. Not too pretty, but take care of yourself. ”
«Hmm, weird. Usually, all men dream of young and sexy beauties! »
«Can I continue? She works as a notary. One day I get a call and say:
“Your rich uncle has died and you are the only one in his will.”

I broke my phone. SIM card is whole … Now I do understand men  – what do I have to insert, but where to insert – no …

In a sex shop.
– Does this vibrator have insurance?
– Yes.
– But if it doesn’t work?
– Then the repairman will come and help you.

Pushing and pushing in a full tram. A man addresses the girl in front of him:

– Girl, be so kind, please compost me a coupon.

Girl: – Thanks to your umbrella, I’m a woman for the second stop!

Once upon a time, there lived a girl Robin Hood … The rich were taken, the poor were given …

My older sister, her boyfriend and a couple of girlfriends had gone to the fields with relatives. Everyone was at home – parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. During the day, all the young people sunbathed and the older generation was working on something right there. At the end of the house was an inflatable pool. You couldn’t see from the yard, but it wasn’t too far. My sister announced that she would go to the pool to cool off. After three minutes, her friend also announced that she could not stand the heat. We continue to lie still until we hear the pool water splash out at first. After a while, the sounds began to become more suspicious and rhythmic, which was accompanied by characteristic panting and moaning. We all see, but now what to do there anymore. The funniest followed. The sister, not even realizing that we had heard everything, came out of the pool and announced out loud, – Are you girls, that was SO good, I recommend to everyone!

The man is standing and drinking. Standing for a long time and talking to yourself, as if saying to your tap- “See when you need me – I’m standing, but you ???”

– Wife (willing) husband: Did you know that a good bull has sex on average 1000 times a year?

– Husband: Meow, but not with one cow!

– Wife (willing) husband: Did you know that a good bull has sex on average 1000 times a year?
– Husband: Meow, but not with one cow!

The next morning after the first night.
– What exactly is your profession?
– Anesthesiologist.
– Then that’s why I didn’t feel anything!

The girl calls the boy:
“Come to me in the evening, no one will be home…”
He came. Really no one was there…

Friends meet a newly married Frenchman. Asks:
– Well, how about a new wife?
– Ooo, great. I recommend you try!