Jokes

The man enters the bedroom, holding two aspirin tablets and a glass of water. The wife asks:
– Why do you have it?
– It’s your headache.
“I don’t have a headache,” she says.
– Ha, I caught it! Well then start dressing off…

The guy sends an SMS to the girl: “This subscriber is asking for your hand and heart”.

The girl sends the answer: “There are not enough funds in your account for the selected operation”

An older lady with a shotgun and a young man walk through the forest.
The lady says to the young man, “Young man, did you want to rape me ?!
Man: “What are you, no, what comes to your mind!”
The lady turned her gun on her: “…. but will have to!”

Two women talking:

– What do you like better, sex or cake?

The other answers:

– I do not care. That only eggs are fresh!

-Until which month of pregnancy is it safe to have sex?

-Until the child starts to bite…

The man escapes from the prison he has spent the last 15 years. He breaks into a house in search of money and weapons and sees a new couple in bed.

He orders the man to get out of bed, tie him to a chair. While walking the woman to the bed, he climbs on her, kisses her neck, gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband says to his wife:

“Listen, this man is a drunk criminal, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kiss your throat. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you “Satisfy him, no matter how disgusting he is. This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, dear. I love you.”

To which his wife replies, “He did not kiss my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, you seemed lovely to him and asked if we had Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, dear. I love you too !! “

The nun sits in the taxi and tells the driver:
– You, taxi drivers, well – you can kiss any girl!
The head kisses the nun and drives on. The nun continues:
– You, taxi drivers, well – you can take any girl to a remote place!
The driver turns into a quiet street, but the nun says:
– Well – you understand – I can not. I am the bride of Christ, so I can only afford anal sex…
Everything happens, the journey continues, and the nun says with satisfaction:
– You, taxi drivers, are good, but we gays, here you have to change into nuns, you don’t know what theater to play here yet…

Son: Remember you told me to tell the truth ??
Father: Yes!
Son: Well, I lost the girl!
Father: How?
Son: She asked if I have Mercedes, I answered no, then asked if I have a million account, I said no, then asked if I have a three-story villa, I answered again no.
Father: Okay son, let’s sell your Bentley and buy Mercedes, open an account for you and I’ll credit you a million, but let me mix the fourth floor of my villa for some reason ?? Never!

-Dear, you would have known that you were still innocent, you would have behaved more gently!
-Would have known you were an idiot, would have taken off your tights!

Husband catches his wife with a friend in bed! Pick up a gun, shoot a friend!

Wife calmly: If you continue in this you will soon be without friends!

– I can’t anyome, darling! I’m leaving!
– Why?
– I learned that you are a pedophile!
– Wow. Isn’t that too a clever word for a twelve-year-old girl?

“If I sleep with your wife, will we be enemies?”
– No.
– Friends?
– No.
– Relatives?
– Too no!
– What then?
– Then we will be kviti

– What is the name of a woman who always knows where her husband is sleeping?
– Widow

Why will an ideal man and an ideal woman never be together?
Because she doesn’t offer twice, but he doesn’t agree the first time.

An ideal woman – she looks like an angel, falls in love like a devil, but after sex, she turns into two coms with a box of beer.

For the girl:
– Listen, I have raised a question here, didn’t you want to blow the answer?

The guy visits the girl, starts to hug the girl, but she says:
– More quietly! Next to the parents in the room, my mom works for the police and Dad for the security service.
The guy thinks to himself, “Where have I been,” but still tries to kiss the girl, but she:
– More quietly! Behind the wall brother, he has just returned from a mission in Afghanistan.
The guy thinks to himself, “Where have I been,” but everything goes on, the young people get out of bed and here
the girl demands:
– Do you want to experience an unforgettable night?
– Yes!
– I’M GETTING RAPED !!!

XVIII century. A young knight on a daisy in the tit – loves, does not love… XIX century. A young gentleman in a cylinder with a daisy. Love? Me of course! Give? not to give… XX century. A young man in jeans sits on a daisy – Love? Who is interested in this nonsense? give? Of course! Standing, not standing… XXI century. An indefinable-looking creature looks at the monitor: “I love you! I want you! May we meet? ” and foretells, “Man? A woman? Active? Passive? ”