Jokes

The wife comes home from the gynecologist and says to her husband:
– Dear, the doctor prescribed me a course of treatment: sex at least twenty times a month.
– Okay, honey, book me for two times, please…

– Karen, how is your sex life?
– Usually 14 times a week.
– Well, you have a capable husband! How does he do it?
– I don’t tell him.

An advertisement hangs at the gas station:
Fill full tank and participate in the lottery. The prize is free sex.
Two men arrive, fill up a full tank and go to ask about the lottery. The cashier explains that rules are very simple – he comes up with a number from 1 to 10 and whoever guesses it wins.
– Seven, – says one.
– Two, – says the other.
– Unfortunately, both are wrong – answers the cashier. – Try next time…
A week later, they come again. Fill the tank and goes to guess the number. Both guess, but again wrong.
– Oh, what a pity – says the cashier. – Well, maybe next time both of you will be lucky…
The men leave the gas station and one of them says:
– There is something suspicious. Maybe he’s just a fraud?
The other angrily replies:
– Nonsense! My wife won twice in a row last week.

– Doctor, my back itches. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I exercise, I only have sex with my wife! Where does the itch come from?
– Come, come! Oh, it’s you my friend, your wings have started to grow!

The husband says to his wife:
– Why do you never moan when we make love?
– I didn’t know you like it… – replies the wife, – Well, I can try, you just tell me when.
The two are making love… The wife asks:
– Well, now?
– Not yet, – answers the husband.
– Now?
– Yes, now!
– Oh, my life is so difficult… The neighbor drives a new car, we drive the same old one… The fur coat is starting to fade, not to mention the shoes. It’s a shame to be seen like that on the street.

– Teacher, please tell me, what does a man need from a woman?
– A man needs love, attention, care, affection.
– And in one word?
– Sex.
– What does a woman need from a man?
– A woman needs love, attention, care, affection.
– Is that also sex?
– No, money.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.
The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replied: “I went to an African tribe and they cured me.”
The mute: “Please show me where they live.” The ex-mute showed him the location of the tribe and the path to it.
The mute started his journey with all the hope in the world days and days passed until he found the tribe. It was a tribe of Africans and everything was huge about them (if you know what I mean).
He sign told them the issue and they agreed to help. They tethered him with a robe, striped him off his clothes and one men entered his ****.
The mute yelled with all his voice, “AAAAAAAAAA”. The african replied: “Tomorrow will teach you the letter B.”

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “pen*s” and “vag*na” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”
At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.”
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your pen*ses and vag*nas — we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay

*Few seconds later*

Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”

The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Doctor Dave had intercourse with one of is own patients and felt accountable all day every day. Regardless of what much he made an effort to forget about it, he cannot. The shame and feeling of betrayal ended up being daunting. But once in sometime, he’d notice an interior, comforting vocals having said that, «Dave, don’t be concerned about any of it. You are not initial physician to sleep with one of their clients and also you won’t be the last. And you are unmarried. Let it go.» But inevitably another voice would bring him returning to truth, whispering «Dave, you’re a vet.»

A beautiful woman strategies a pharmacist and asks, «Have you got huge condoms?» The pharmacist replies, «Yes, aisle 11.» She visits the isle. But about a half hour later she’s nevertheless taking a look at the condoms. The pharmacist pasks, «Do you need some assistance?» The girl replies, «No, I’m only waiting for someone to buy some.»

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but can’t eat it.

Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much? Because one has two lips and one has two heads.