Jokes
The bloke sitting next to me at the bus stop pulled out a photograph of his wife and turned to me and said “she is gorgeous isn’t she?”
I replied to him “if you think she is gorgeous, you should see my wife!”
He then said to me “Why? Is she a stunner too?”
I then said “No, she is an optometrist”
Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
Don’t believe the Kamasutra! There are only two positions in sex: either you or to you!
– You know the saying – good sex ends after the wedding.
– It’s not true, I don’t have it like that, for example.
– Really?
– I didn’t have good sex even before the wedding.
Many women close their eyes during sex because they want to imagine that their man is rich.
Husband comes gome from work:
– Dear, what do we have for dinner?
– Me!
– But, honey, I can’t eat anything fat!
Once a man said to the God, “Why are all the girls so lovely, but all the women such bitches?” God replied, ‘I create girls, but you make them women…’
I went into the store, and the salesman asked, “What does the girl want?” …
“The girl wants a martini, good man and regular sex, but I came for a bun …”
Last night I fell asleep in my son’s room. In the morning I read text messages from my husband:
1:22 – Where are you?
3:15 – Where are you, you slut…?
4:20 – Found You 🙂 Sleep tight, honey 🙂
– We are married only for two days, but you are already cursing on me…
-Yes, but I’ve had five husbands before you, so I know exactly when to start cursing!
One girlfriend asks the other:
– I’m wondering how your husband remembers your wedding anniversary?
– Fortunately, he doesn’t remember!
– Why “fortunately”?
– Because I remind him of it several times a year and I always get presents.
Young woman goes to church to confess her sins:
-Father, yesterday I called some guy “son of a bitch”.
-Why did you do that?
-He touched my hand.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s hand.
-Yes!
-But that’s not a reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He also touched my breasts.
-Like this? – pastor touches girl’s breasts.
-Yes!
-But that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-He undressed me!
-Like this? – pastor undresses the girl.
-Yes!!
-Well, that’s no reason to call him son of a bitch.
-Well, but then he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what.
-Like this? – pastor puts his thing into her place.
-Yes!!!
-It’s no reason to call him son of a bitch either.
-But he had AIDS!
-THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
A man buys bread in a store.
Man: Is that bread fresh?
Seller: Bread is still warm!
Husband: My wife is still warm, but she’s not fresh.
Two friends talking:
– You know, I probably won’t live with my wife anymore.
– Why?
– She boiled that soup again and I threw the whole pot out the window!
– It’s nothing, you will fix the situation.
– Unlikely. Sshe was standing under the window.
– Grandfather finally decided to get married.
– How old is he?
– 93.
– And the bride?
– 86.
– Isn’t he so afraid of the age difference?
-The doctor enters the ward and hears that a patient with a high temperature is telling his wife, who is sitting by his bed:
-You my beautiful, you my wise, you my treasure, my beloved, the most beautiful in the world!
The doctor contacts the patient’s wife:
-And long ago he started to rave?
A husband sleeps on a death bed, dies, and says to his wife:
– I want to tell you the whole truth before I die: I slept with your mother and sister.
“I know, darling, that’s why I poisoned you.”
Wife asks:
-How much do you weigh?
– 60 kilograms and something a little more!
– And how many hundreds do this a little more weigh?