Jokes
Two girlfriends are talking:
– I will probably divorce my husband.
– Why?
– He treats me like a dog.
– What?! Is he treating you badly? Is he hitting you?
— No, he wants me to remain faithful to him for the rest of my life!
A man with his wife and nine children is waiting for a bus. A blind man is also standing at the bus stop. When the bus arrives, it is already so full that only the wife and children can get in. The man and the blind must walk.
After a while, the father of the family can no longer bear the clatter of the blind man’s cane against the pavement. He angrily says, “Why don’t you put the rubber on the end of the stick? That clatter gets on my nerves!”
The blind man angrily replies, “If you had put the rubber on the stick at the right time, we both would have fit on the bus!”
When you’re drunk, it’s hard to say:
– Faculty of Social Sciences
– Hydroelectric power station
– Political pragmatism
It is very difficult to say:
– Proliferation
– Transcontinental logistics
– British Constitution
But it’s completely impossible to say the following:
– Thanks, I don’t want sex!
– Don’t pour me any more vodka!
– No, no, I can’t sing!
The bus is full of people. A man is standing behind a beautiful blonde with a lustful look.
– Good man, stop pressing that stick against my body! – exclaims the blonde.
– It’s just my wallet, – answers the man.
— Ah, well, in that case, this is your third salary increase on this trip.
What do women and bowling balls have in common?
No matter how many times you pick them up, stick your fingers in them and let them go, they always come back for more.
Sex is like a snow: you never know how many inches you will get and how long it will last.
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”
“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.
“But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?
It is my wife’s birthday tomorrow, she has been leaving jewelry catalogues all around the house so I bought her a magazine stand..
Bob’s wife is nude and looking at herself in the mirror. She says to him “Bob, look at me, I am old and wrinkly, I am fat and saggy plus my teeth look yellow and awful. I could really use a compliment from you right about now.”
Bob turns to her and says “Your eyes seem to be perfect.”
I spent hours cutting this ladies lawn, and then she refused to pay me. When I asked why, she said..
Because we are married.
My wife was going through her wardrobe and said “look!, this still fits me after 20 years”
I replied “It’s a scarf.”
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
A black third grader goes to his mama and asks, “Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I’m black?” And she responds, “No, it’s because you’re nineteen!”
The bloke sitting next to me at the bus stop pulled out a photograph of his wife and turned to me and said “she is gorgeous isn’t she?”
I replied to him “if you think she is gorgeous, you should see my wife!”
He then said to me “Why? Is she a stunner too?”
I then said “No, she is an optometrist”
A man is walking down the street at 3am when he is stopped by the police. The police ask him where he is going at this hour to which the man replies “I am heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects which it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The police then respond “really? who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies “that would be my wife.”
Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says “Some prick stole my credit card the other day”
Bob replies “Did you report it to the police?”
Jim says “I was going to but I dont’ think I will”
Bob replies “Why on earth not?”
Jim then says “Well the thief appears to be spending less than what my wife does”.