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For years in one bed, turned back to back. Why does sex disappear in marriage?

The last sixty years are unique in that, for the first time in the history of civilization, sex has been made something significant and valuable . Until the 1950s, sex was a routine process that did not receive much attention. Sexuality has only been seriously studied for about a hundred years, so there is still a lot of unknown in it. We don’t know much about how sexuality changes over the years, how it affects it, how erogenous zones travel, and more.

Phenomenon of the era: sexual boredom or desert

Well-known Russian psychotherapist, sexologist Alexander Polyev writes in the book “How to keep sex in marriage” that the family is not disturbed by conflicts or fundamental differences of opinion, because people with different life plans and beliefs do not unite in the family or it happens very rarely. The main destructive force is a phenomenon that has acquired a name in the scientific community – sexual fatigue, sexual boredom or sexual desert. The main point is that otherwise successful couples no longer have an intimate relationship after five, ten, or fifteen years of marriage, or for many years – episodic outbreaks of sexual activity.

The sexologist writes: “Demographic statistics show that in the largest cities in Russia, 43% of couples who have lived in marriage for 5-10 years divorce due to lack of intimate relationships, but 10% divorce because one of the spouses has been unfaithful. 30-40% of clients who turn to psychotherapists and sexologists to solve problems in the family complain that they do not have an intimate relationship. The number of such customers is growing every year.

The forty-year-old admits: the new girlfriend is nowhere near as smart as the wife. But the wife is not sexy…

Men who have had extramarital affairs admit that new girlfriends are neither as beautiful nor as smart as their wives, but they have sexual desire for them. Studies show that in large Russian cities, 72% of couples with a marriage period of three to five years have sex once a week, and couples who have lived in a marriage of five to ten years – every two weeks. In addition, 20% of couples between the ages of 32 and 40 have sex only once a month (12 times a year!). Such a situation cannot be described as a sexual desert. “

Can a marriage with a colorless sex life be considered a success? Polejev thinks it is a very vulnerable, unstable institution. In such a family, both wife and husband are not only open to new relationships but are easily irritated and become hostile, even aggressive, to the world around them. Sexual energy is a great force, a fire that, when extinguished, negatively affects all areas of life. A person who does not receive a touch of healing injections gradually erodes, dries like a leaf in autumn, loses the joy of life and radiance in the eyes. Marriage without sex is like a flower without water.

Love is killed by haste and carelessness

Decreased intimate life activity is not just a modern phenomenon. This phenomenon has been observed since the beginning of monogamous marriage and has been described by ancient Roman physicians and medieval French healers. Until the end of the 19th century, when society gradually began to get rid of religious prejudice, it was not believed that marriage sex should be enjoyable. The monk, philosopher, and theologian of the Dominican Order, Thomas Aquinas, wrote that God created sex in marriage to keep the family going, not to bring joy.

It was not until the 19th century that doctors began to warn: gray in bed is harmful. “The nature of sexual fatigue and decline has not been studied enough for a long time, and frankly, psychotherapists and sexologists are often unable to solve this problem. Specialists consider sexual boredom in a permanent relationship to be a more complicated problem than frigidity and sexual dysfunction, ”admits Polejevs.

One should be grateful for the feelings experienced, because only two thirds of people are able to love at all.

At the beginning of the relationship, the couple has sex several times a day, sometimes until exhaustion. It seems to both that it will be forever. And really, who puts out the flames of love when research shows that 87% of marriages are made out of love and only a tenth of respondents name other reasons? The glorious, emotional passion for men lasts for two years, for women a little longer, and then the house of cards collapses, explains Polejev.

However, one should be grateful to God and nature for the range of bright feelings, because only two-thirds of people are able to love at all. Romantic love, on the other hand, cannot live for more than nine months because it requires too much consumption of internal resources and energy, adds sexologist Aleksandrs Polejevs. A great love, which can flare up a few times in a lifetime, can be distinguished from a small passion by physiological peculiarities – a person simply wants to pee much more often. Watch how often your partner goes to the toilet and finds out the truth about his feelings. You will not be fooled by nature!

Love is not on the list of urgent responsibilities

After the first years of intimacy, there are problems, worries, responsibilities… Everything has to be learned and you live running. Love is not on the list of urgent responsibilities. When was the last time you hugged your partner and allowed yourself to walk along the sea shore? When was the last time you just talked about love? That was a long time ago? Here is also the answer to the question why intimate intimacy no longer makes you happy.After the first years of intimacy, there are problems, worries, responsibilities… Everything has to be learned and you live running. Love is not on the list of urgent responsibilities. When was the last time you hugged your partner and allowed yourself to walk along the sea shore? When was the last time you just talked about love? That was a long time ago? Here is also the answer to the question why intimate intimacy no longer makes you happy.

“From experience I can say that for many it seems normal – to come home late at night, to reprimand some broken phrases with family. So live is even prestigious because it is made by people who make up a brilliant career. People study, work, enjoy sports, roam the Internet, but then ask a sexologist why they are not happy about sex, ”explains sexologist Jelena Hvalinska. “We replace live communication with inanimate interests. Men are interested in technology, high technology, women – in fashion and jewelry. To buy everything your eyes want, we are ready to work until morning, sacrificing personal contacts. It turns out that the achievements of today’s world are directed against love. “

Alexander Pooleev, on the other hand, is convinced that it is not a lack of time that kills love, but rather a lack of attention to each other. The chronic wheel in which people are trapped interferes with thinking about feelings. They say they want sex, that it is not enough, but they can’t really feel it because their senses are dull. A person fantasizes about sex much more than he practically does, but our self-esteem and the way of life depend on it.

”Enjoyment” as the elixir of life

Sexologist Dainis Balodis has his own opinion: a hundred years ago it was not accepted to talk about the quality of sexual intercourse, but now we have thrown ourselves to the other extreme. In his view, the importance of sex should not be overestimated, preferably if a balance is maintained in all areas. Can a successful marriage be without intimate intimacy? Of course you can. “Sex between partners reflects the quality of their relationship as a whole. It is often like a litmus test – if there is no sex, the relationship is not good either. Sexual needs change over a lifetime: over the years, women want more sex, men less. Over time, the feelings of the partner and, with them, the desire for physical intimacy fade away. Together, people are connected by social and material factors. Experience shows that living together without sex is possible and many people live it, ”admits Dainis Balodis.

The specialist points out that it should not be forgotten that the lack of sex is often associated with chronic diseases that kill the ability to make passionate love. In men, it can be diabetes, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure. “One is when we talk about young, beautiful, healthy people, the other is when we talk about people with a lot of illnesses and responsibilities.”

With tenderness we assure the other, that he is so good and valuable, that he feels wanted

Change coach, sexologist Artūrs Šulcs represents specialists who believe that life without sex is bald and gray: whose sexual life has been impoverished or completely depleted. Sit in the park and watch the people! Those who are loved go with an inner smile, they are beautiful, because they are confidently shut down, they hold their head, hands, body in a completely different way. Through physical love, we learn to give ourselves and accept each other. ”

The sexologist is convinced that even in the second half of life, one should not be afraid to learn this form of communication, to become free, open, and enriched internally: “After menopause, women are no longer afraid of pregnancy, so they feel freer. Older men who have a full sex life are dynamic, interested in life, masculine, because love, including physical, is the elixir of life, a huge resource, an inexhaustible source of emotions, a way of assuring each other that we are wanted, needed. Those who make love are physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially healthy. If a person is caressed, his quality of life increases. With tenderness, we assure the other that he is so good and valuable that he is wanted. It is only normal to have intimate friends to whom we can ask, “What are you going to do tonight? Do you want to fall in love? ” The proposal can be made by both a man and a woman, and there is nothing crazy about if the offer is rejected. We need to change the philosophy of life and understand that pleasure is the value that when we merge physically, we approach the divine, the highest spiritual manifestations. ”

A miracle does not happen without a change

Sexologist Artūrs Vāvere believes that the inability of women to enjoy pleasure at the beginning of a relationship is one of the main problems that has been freezing among their closest people over the years. Although sex is very common for a couple at the beginning of cohabitation and everything turns pink, a woman derives only emotional, but not bodily satisfaction from it. After giving birth, she turns to the baby and increasingly begins to avoid having sex with her husband. At first, the woman does not really understand what she needs to feel, waiting for a miracle, ashamed to talk, looking for guilt in herself, but then she begins to avoid sex, explains that she wants to read a book, is tired. The couple’s relationship rolls on the wheel of routine, they don’t talk about problems and give up everything by hand, say to go as you please.

Alexander Polyev also admits in his book that a third of women do not enjoy intimacy. One of the most common reasons for coldness – a teenage girl has not masturbated. Polejev explains that in order for a woman’s genitals to become sensitive, they must be developed, exercised, and this must be done exactly when the body has the maximum level of hormones that contribute to the development of genital sensitivity, ie from 13 to 18 years of age.

Often a woman knows what love is, but does not know what is ”enjoyment

“It simply came to our notice then. If during this period the girl does not have sex, but fantasizes, feels inclined and actively complacents (once a day), her genitals are prepared for sexual intercourse in the future. However, it is often the case that family conditions are not favorable and the girl misses this stage. Most often, the parents’ puritanical prejudices and fear of condemnation make the girl refrain from masturbation. When a young woman starts having sex, her body is not prepared for it. The genitals fall asleep, contracted in a lump, their nerve endings do not respond to signals, although during sexual intercourse the genitals need to increase metabolic processes. It turns out that a woman seems to want intimacy, but her body does not function as nature intended during sexual intercourse. It is enough a few times for her to get used to the thought that nothing special happens during sex and in general it is for men. Often a woman knows what love is, passion, but does not understand what sexual pleasure is, ”concludes the sexologist.

The hardest part: both have to change

It is a deceptive assumption that adults nowadays talk about sex life casually. Unfortunately, many are so conservative that panics are afraid to even start a conversation about where to change something. Tremble like aspen leaves: let’s not catch this bubble for sex! “It is becoming increasingly difficult to return to this issue every year. It is easier to pretend that there are no problems. Thus, both of them are left alone with their problem and solve it differently, ”observed Artūrs Vāvere.

Sexual desire, like other desires, increases and decreases from time to time, and is influenced by many external factors. People lose their illusions, because gradually the passion, excitement, strength of feelings that existed at the beginning of sexual intercourse. If a person is unable to come to terms with it and does not learn to appreciate what comes in the place of lost qualities, intimate life with a partner begins to seem gray and boring to him. On the other hand, if the feelings towards the partner start to be filled with fear and resentment, it is natural that the sexual desire decreases or disappears completely.

The husband is a sexual maniac who wants sex once a week

However, there are also changes in the physical age. Once the firm, slender body becomes obese, slips, hangs and no longer excites the partner. The laundry-like belly now resembles a round soap bubble, which you just want to slap in a friendly way. A crisis in their forties comes to men, when their eyes start to shine when they see a new body. “In therapy classes, I see how hard it is to break yourself and change something in the routine that has been built into for decades. The most difficult thing in a couple’s relationship is that both have to change, it is not enough that one wants it. The couple refuses to experiment, to realize hidden desires, to speak out. For example, a man wants oral sex, but for a wife it is taboo. A 43-year-old man comes to me and says that he is a sexual maniac because he wants sex once a week. So claiming his wife. Forty-year-olds do not know what a lubricant is and what to do with massage oils.

It is difficult for people to talk about discrepancies in intimate life

I know of dozens of cases when a man himself thinks that he is just fantastic in sex, but a woman is not satisfied. The man quickly gets agitated, satisfies himself, but the woman feels used. He is not ready to listen to the objections because he believes that the problem is not in him, but in the woman. On the other hand, the woman feels offended, she has developed a disgust that is difficult to overcome. It is difficult for people to talk about disagreements in the intimate sphere. They only come to a sexologist when they have made the choice to divorce. A broken cup can be glued, but cracks remain, ”the sexologist shares.

He emphasizes that no situation can be solved by a template. Marriage is a unique, complex texture in which two people solve a very wide range of tasks: material, psychological, sexual. “I suggest you dare, let yourself in, use sex toys – vibrators, rings, but people have a denial, they shake their heads: no, because they can’t overcome the psychological barrier.”

Working abroad, being complacent. When you get home, you don’t have sex with your wife anymore

Artūrs Vāvere sometimes recommends the use of pornography, although it cannot be assessed unequivocally, because it has too many negative consequences: “Regular masturbation while watching pornographic films causes the inability to form a normal relationship with a living person.

The brain gets used to intense impulses, but in life the rhythm is slower, the feelings are different, so men have problems with erections. If 12- to 13-year-olds watch pornography, they later have serious problems having sex with peers. The same is true of those who have gone to work abroad. They use video calling and internet to satisfy themselves, but when they finally meet their wife at home, there is no sex.

Artūrs Vāvere believes that sexual energy can be transformed and directed to other spheres of life. According to him, one of the ways to compensate for the lack of sex is faith in God. If sexual energy is not sublimated, it accumulates, creates sexual tension and negatively affects relationships with relatives, colleagues, other people.

Talk, travel, fall in love!

On the other hand, sexologist Artūrs Šulcs is convinced that just as the need to breathe and eat cannot be sublimated in other activities, the desire for intimate touches and irritation cannot be replaced by work, faith, flower care, or raising children. Attempts to exclude sexual needs from life escalate into negative, unnatural forms. If the house does not have drains to drain the water, its foundations begin to deteriorate and the house collapses, explains Artūrs Šulcs. A sexologist compares a marriage that does not take care of the intimate realm to a garden where apple trees, plum trees are planted, and for years it seems unknown. The garden will be overgrown with willows, nettles, and wolves, but the fruit trees will wither. The same goes for the garden of physical relationships – it needs to be nurtured. You can’t get married, stamp your passport, give birth to a child, and don’t seem to know about another person.

Sexologist Artūrs Šulcs names, in his opinion, three main factors that, over the years, cause physical and emotional alienation between spouses. It happens that for decades people have not said anything good to each other. But it’s so easy to write a text message to a loved one once a day with the text: “I love you, you’re the coolest in the world.” Or call and say, “You are very important to me, I long for you.” Unfortunately, people do not take advantage of evolution – articulate language to express positive feelings, while dislike and anger are much more common.

There are many opportunities to get shared emotional impressions. Most of them are free.

The second reason for alienation is that couples do not create common emotional experiences, do not use the unique opportunities offered by life on this Earth, explains the coach of change. There are many opportunities, and most of them are free – you can watch the sunset together, swim in the sea in big waves, go hiking, climb mountains, learn to dance, read the first spring flowers in the forest. “They don’t enjoy, they do something real, they eat canned food – they sit on the couch, and the unifying element is the TV remote control.”

Wives who “cut” forever emotionally push men out of the family over time

According to the sexologist, the third reason for the disappearance of sexual magnetism is the wives’ eternal dissatisfaction with men: He can try as much as he wants to take care of everyone, but his wife will not be good anyway. A man does not develop positive feedback with his family, so he loses the desire to do something. If he is repeated all the time that he can do nothing, in time he really becomes nothing. The relationship begins to fade until it breaks down – the man starts drinking or gambling, at best getting into an internal emigration – he spends his days in a workshop, where there are shelves with screws and old details, or goes fishing, moccasins, hunting. A man is looking for positive emotions and attachments outside of marriage, where he often finds other relationships. ”

Do not put sexual desire in bed

Sexuality is not something in itself, it must be mastered just like much else in the world, Artūrs Šulcs emphasizes. “You have to learn emotions, you have to learn to look at your partner again, to feel yourself and the other person sensually. You have to study yourself and tell others what you want. If we want a plum cocktail with chocolate ice cream, we say it calmly, but to say – I want you to massage my bottom – I don’t know why it causes problems. When people come to me and say what they want, we think about how they can creatively put it together and make it happen. It can be a tent in which two couples make love at the same time. It allows people to see and feel how it happens to two more people. It can be a girlfriend massaging the other’s breasts. “

The sexologist recommends not trying to suppress sexual desires, but to discuss them freely. You can feel and understand your body and the other’s body by learning social dances – salsa or Argentine tango. Aleksandrs Polejevs recommends spending time for love and communication without turning on the TV and computer, drinking tea together, looking closely into each other’s eyes. Such minutes maintain an invisible, intimate connection, allow you to feel each other as yourself. It is important that such communication does not take place once a month, but is introduced as a regular ritual. So that you should never be reminded, wait, ask, ask. Love must become a habit!

How long are you having dinner together? Are you both interesting?

American sexologists Alina Zoldbrod and Emily Morsa offer an unusual theory of the couple’s emotional closeness. It is determined quite simply – after the time the couple spends at the kitchen table. If both are interesting, they stay together unnoticed after lunch or dinner, talking about life and, of course, drinking tea or coffee, but these drinks stimulate the production of estradiol (one of the three estrogens) that enters the ovaries, vagina and other erogenous zones. It is currently being studied whether the body also produces other estrogens, how much and which areas of the body are affected.

After a couple of hours of emotional conversation, the vagina is almost or pumped with estradiol and ready for orgasm. At the same time, the biological alignment of the partners is taking place. Young American researchers believe that it is not enough for people to live together, share one living room and a bedroom. They need to succumb to emotional intimacy as often as possible when time literally disappears.

People need to talk, not exchange replicas and broken phrases says – Aleksandrs Polejevs. To evaluate your priorities! Love a thousand years ago was, is, and will continue to be a core value. A career, money, an ideal order at home – this, of course, is also important and necessary, but the essence of happiness is not. Money and career are variables but gone, lost love is no longer recalled.

Information from the magazine “Patiesā Dzīve”.

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