It is unlikely that any of us dreams of a relationship with an aggressive, intolerant, addicted or weak man. But in fact, such relationships are everywhere we look. Why does it happen that women dream of one, but attract completely different men?
If you also tend to ask yourself the question: “Why am I attracted to the same type of men, when in fact I want to be in a relationship with a completely different one?”
Let’s start with the fact that the expression “I attract” does not quite fit here. The point is that a woman does not attract anyone, she herself pays attention to specific men. She notices them and tries to get their attention, ignoring everyone else.
It’s just that these men seem to have something special that sets them apart from the surrounding gray background. And then you think: “He is exactly what I need!” In this way, the question “why do we attract the wrong people?” turns into the question “why do we choose the wrong ones?”
Your husband is so much like your father!
Various studies reveal that we tend to choose partners based on their resemblance to our family members or family history.
For example, if we lived in a family with addictions, we will be attracted to someone with the same personality structure. Or if one of the family members often showed aggression, it is quite possible that we will pay attention to such a partner. Not because we really liked it, but because we are familiar with this type of people. We know how to build relationships with such people and how to survive in those relationships.
And what we do not know, what we have not seen in childhood, for example, a normal, functioning relationship, no matter how absurd it may seem, seems unsafe. It is not at all clear to us what to do in such an unknown situation, how to live.
We choose such people without fail – we instantly read their verbal and non-verbal expressions and identify them as known, familiar, ours, close.
Now that we understand this, it becomes clear why some men stand out from the surrounding crowd – we recognize these types of men. In this way, some women will always “attract” drug addicts, others – abusers, others – emotionally cold, distant men, etc. It depends on everyone’s childhood.
In addition, the relationship that prevailed in the family becomes a kind of norm for an adult woman. Therefore, there are no restrictions, no filters to prevent such people from entering a woman’s life. A woman simply cannot recognize these men as dangerous or inappropriate. Attention is drawn to recognizable patterns of behavior and no filter is created.
I’m not good enough
Another popular reason why women often choose the “wrong” ones is low self-esteem. The inner voice always reminds: “A normal man will never pay attention to me”. Such women very clearly feel their non-compliance with a certain ideal. They put men on a pedestal and put themselves down at the same time.
The thoughts that “I’m not worthy of love, a good relationship” and that “I’m not good/beautiful/intelligent enough” prevent even looking in the direction of the men who might like this woman.
This attitude towards oneself also comes from childhood. At first, adults who were important to her treated the girl this way, later she began to treat herself this way.
What to do?
- First, it would be a good idea to study how your male selection mechanism works. What exactly do you choose? What do these men have in common? What do you pay attention to? Which of the characteristics on this list stands out?
- Then think about whether you see similarities between these men and the family you grew up with. What behaviors are they exhibiting? What family members do they remind you of?
- Make a conscious effort to pay attention to the men you previously ignored and give them a chance.
- If the problem is related to low self-esteem, work on it and change the way you think about yourself.