Conversations about love triangles are a common topic in couples therapy offices. As for women who get stuck in the role of lover (even though they don’t really want to), there is a certain psychological mechanism that initiates such a relationship. In other words, the subconscious is playing with them.
It is worth noting that I will not touch on any moral and ethical aspects of this phenomenon, I will not talk about women who are in relationships only for money and other adventurers. It’s about ordinary women who yearn for love, but for some reason choose to receive it in this way.
Let’s look at the inner world of such women
It is an immature woman who longs for eternal, endless celebrations and bright sensations. And she categorically does not want everyday life together, household, all kinds of difficulties and responsibilities. Such woman likes it when a man takes care of her – spends time, gives gifts. Although the dates are rare, they are full of passion and romance.
People in such a relationship see each other from the best side, and everything else that would interfere in a normal relationship is left behind.
Saviors. How can one not feel sorry for the poor man who is scolded by his angry wife every day? He is so white and fluffy and wonderful in every way. That witch does not appreciate this golden man, but he does not leave the family because of his cosmic courtesy. Instead, the savior will definitely appreciate him, give him the missing love and blow away all the dust. And with understanding and iron patience, he will wait for his children to grow up so that he can finally move in with his lover.
Winners – those for whom it is important to win, to be superior to others. This pattern of behavior is formed in childhood, if something has gone wrong at the age of 3-5. At this age, a girl competes with her mother for her father’s love. You do remember: “Daddy is the best man in the world, I’m going to marry him when I grow up.”
Ideally, the mother should recognize the girl’s age-appropriate behavior and feelings, but show a firm position that the place next to the father is occupied.
Then the girl will have to take the daughter’s place and learn from her mother how to be a woman and build a relationship with a man. If something went wrong in this process, an adult girl may still have the need to prove to her mother that she is better and more worthy than her. Only the role of father is now taken by the married man, while the role of mother is taken by his beloved wife.
Avoiding serious relationship. Being in a relationship with a man who is already taken is a great way to avoid a truly intimate relationship. When there is a need for a relationship, but at the same time there is a fear of being hurt, this form of communication seems safer and allows you to keep your distance.
The reason for this may be a traumatic relationship experience in childhood or adulthood. This experience justifies the belief that relationships are a dangerous thing, they can hurt a lot.
Building a “triangular relationship”. Such a model, in which there should also be a third party, is formed if the girl was constantly involved in such relationships during her childhood. For example, if the parents could not resolve the difficulties that arose between the two, and they often “called” the child to become a “fixer” of the relationship. A vivid example is when a mother says to her daughter: “I’m angry with your father and I don’t want to talk to him. Go tell him this and that.”
Not chosen. There is one peculiarity in relations with a married man. On the one hand, a woman feels chosen, loved and wonderful. On the other hand, she is chosen as if not completely, because a man tends to live a double life, staying in the family. The lover feels it especially acutely on holidays and other times when there is no opportunity to be with the man or to visit public places, family and friendly events.
Behind this phenomenon usually hides some personal traumatic story from childhood, which the woman plays out in the relationship with the married man.
In each specific case, it is necessary to find out who was the person in the girl’s life who was very important to her, but did not choose her. As an option – the father who created another family. It seemed that he periodically intervened in the girl’s life, but he devoted most of his time, attention and care to the another family.
How to fix this?
While all these mechanisms work automatically, subconsciously, there is very little chance to change anything drastically. It seems as if a woman is destined to live the same relationship scenario over and over again with an already taken man. However, if you notice that the situations repeat themselves and you find it disturbing and unpleasant, make a decision to do something about it.
What to choose instead?
Explore how you get into this relationship, why do you find it attractive? If it is difficult to do it yourself, you can do it with the help of a psychologist.
When you understand what mechanisms control this process, you will be able to choose a different relationship model. It is unlikely that the usual can be changed with a wave of a magic wand; in some cases it may require quite a long therapy. However, this inner work will allow for a really close and harmonious relationship.