“I am a 38-year-old married woman with 2 children. I was recently on a business trip where I slept with a colleague who is 30 years older than me and who is like a mentor to me. The next day he avoided me and when I finally managed to meet him he was cold and apologetic.
When I wrote him a letter about the work topic, he replied only after a week. A few days later I sent him another letter telling him how I felt but also including work matters; I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t happy if it ended like this. He answered every little thing I mentioned in my letter, but did not comment on what happened between us.
I miss him so much. I’m also sad that maybe I was wrong about him – maybe he’s not as wonderful, nice a person as I thought. I know he has two grown children and a complicated relationship with his wife.
Another problem is my relationship with my husband. Why would I sleep with someone else if I had never been unfaithful before? Sometimes we argue, but we make love regularly – once or twice a week. However, I do not feel a special attraction towards him, I love him more mechanically (although after this thing, our mutual attraction unexpectedly strengthened). We married for love, but when the children were born, my need for sex diminished.
What do I do now? The thought of leaving my husband scares me. Mostly I think I love him, but is that enough? I would like to meet this other man next time I’m in his town – but only for business – but I’m afraid he won’t meet. I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but that’s not my main goal.”
The Guardian’s relationship expert Annalisa Balbieri answers:
“First of all, be honest with yourself – stop pretending that you want to meet another man just for work. I think you want to repeat that night more than anything, and I can see why. Such an experience can be great, but in the real world such a state does not last long. Besides, you’re married and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to see you anymore. Listen to the signals he’s obviously sending.
You ask why such a night happened. A study reveals that for most couples, the active phase of their relationship lasts about 10 years. After this time, regardless of the age of the partners and whether and how much they love each other, the attraction becomes reactive – arising as a reaction to arousal, not spontaneously.
People often think they don’t feel attraction, but the routine of long-term relationships is mostly to blame.
You’re comparing the passion of a one-night stand with a long-term relationship – it’s unfair. We all want to feel wanted and desired in a relationship, but to be honest, the lust in a marriage is extinguished pretty quickly by everyday life, especially when children are born. In the everyday context of a shared household, it is difficult to keep up lust, and many of us tend to beat ourselves up for it. Don’t kill your marriage because of fantasy.
It’s hard to tell if your marriage is really in crisis because of the heady feeling of having a one-night stand with another man in your letter, but it’s clear that you cherish your relationship with your husband. I wouldn’t recommend making hasty decisions – at least not until the dizziness wears off.
You wonder why it happened now? I think it comes down to three things: being away from home, a man you find attractive, and the right circumstances. This does not mean that you will be prone to infidelity in the future. However, if you still feel unhappy in your current relationship when you regain your sanity, you may need to take a closer look at your marriage and perhaps seek help.
Infidelity is often a warning sign sent by either partner when the relationship starts to falter. You and your husband should talk more. I strongly recommend that you spend time with your husband – not only to make love, but also to talk and restore the relationship between the two. After the birth of children, all the attention of partners is usually focused on the offspring, and this is normal.
Do you remember what your relationship was like at the very beginning when you fell in love? Maybe not all your (non-sexual) needs are being met right now? It is not uncommon for people who raise children to feel like they have lost themselves. Maybe this one-night stand was a way for you to tap into yourself and see what you’re missing right now.”