“We were sitting on his bed so close that even though we weren’t touching, I could feel the heat radiating from his body. We were attracted like two magnets. Closer than it should be. If energy were visible, the few centimeters between our thighs would glow in neon colors,” an anonymous reader tells menshealth.com, sharing her experience and why she has been unfaithful to all the men in her life.
Our friendship was based on a small, unnamed sexual attraction that we were afraid to admit because I was already in a relationship at the time. My boyfriend, let’s call him Alex, was our mutual friend. One summer evening, I went to Daniel’s house with some ridiculous excuse that I no longer remember… So we sat on his bed, almost huddled together, waiting to see if something would happen or not. Before you start judging me, I have to say, I haven’t felt this much passion in months.
For the first two years, Alex and I made love every day (sometimes several times a day), but on that one night in June, everything had changed so much that before I went to bed, he could tell me exactly how many days we hadn’t had sex.
Should I feel guilty?
I was 21 when I felt that I was no longer interested in having sex with a guy. I think – these are the most passionate years of my life, maybe something is wrong with me. I was going to see a psychotherapist to find out what was wrong with me and what to do. It didn’t occur to me that I don’t want sex because I don’t like the guy himself, his behavior. At that time, I did not understand that loving a person and being together in order not to be alone are two different things. It’s no excuse to lie to someone you say ‘I love you’ to, but that’s how I felt before it happened.
Someone touched someone, then lips met, hands feverishly tore clothes and touched skin. We were already lying under the covers, half naked, sweating from the heat and passion, when a sudden call brought us back to reality. It was the first time I was unfaithful.
The most reprehensible thing in the world?
Adultery is one of the most reprehensible, most unacceptable things. Infidelity is a scandal, it takes iron strength to be able to forgive it. I knew this very well – I saw one of my parents being unfaithful, I saw my parents’ marriage fall apart because of it. And yet, I was unfaithful to all three of my boyfriends, with whom I had a fairly long and serious relationship.
But… I really don’t regret lying and cheating. Not at all. Each situation was different, but this experience taught me important knowledge about myself and my sexuality.
For example, snuggling up to Daniel that night, I realized that it was long past time to break up with Alex. I had just realized that my sexuality had not disappeared anywhere, although I was afraid of it, because I felt a wild passion. I had an endless desire to embrace another person’s body, and the only way out was to satisfy this desire. Over the next few weeks, I noticed that I didn’t feel that way with Alex. To be honest, I never felt that way with him. So, not something was wrong with me, but with our relationship.
If I hadn’t stopped by Daniel that night, I think I would have realized it much too late. So I don’t think adultery is one of the worst crimes. Especially not when one is very young and learning to know one’s heart and body.
Women can live without sex
I cheated on my next boyfriend on the dance floor of a bar. It was a hot summer night. The guy I was seeing (let’s call him Adam) wasn’t at the bar, but his friend (let’s call him Carl) was. After three cocktails, I told Carl that we were having a hard time – I loved Adam, I wanted to be with him, but we haven’t had sex in months. I told Carl that I tried to start a conversation about it, but Adam didn’t want to discuss it, and it hurt me. I had strong feelings for him, so I decided that everything was fine – women can live without sex. Unfortunately, that night at the bar it turned out that I had lied to myself.
After hours of dancing in a crowd, I was on fire, my skin burning with every touch. The simplest of touches felt exhilaratingly exciting, I wanted more. So I pulled Carl closer to me and kissed his lips. However, it was probably the most platonic kiss ever seen. Soon we loosened up, looked at each other and laughed at the absurdity of the situation.
The kiss seemed like a small thing, but I felt bad. I was ashamed that I wanted to have sex with other people. I talked to a close friend about this. Fortunately, she listened to me with sympathy rather than condemnation. She helped me understand that there was nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that involved sex, and that it would be best for both Adam and I to just break up.
We broke up after a month. I cried every day for a week, then I got sick, I had a high temperature. I told the doctor what happened, and she explained that sometimes after strong shocks, stress, people get sick – for example, students often catch colds after exams.
I emphasize – I do not regret my cheating, but I am not proud of it either. Guilt is like a dripping tap that slowly fills the glass. I felt a painful tension build up inside me. And yet, regret and guilt are not the same thing. I felt that if the situation were to happen again, I would do exactly the same.
I keep remembering a line from Brit Bennett’s novel “The Mothers”: “Most of the milestones in a woman’s life were accompanied by pain…” Every time I was unfaithful, I felt bad (up to a certain point), but at the same time, these experiences were important reference points. With Daniel, I learned that you can’t fake passion and when you feel it, you feel it. Carl and my friend helped me understand how important sex is in a couple’s life (at least for me).
The third time – the last one?
I’ve explored my sexuality in unscrupulous ways, but on the other hand, the willingness to break the moral code makes those moments even more endearing to me. For the third time on a hot summer evening, I was unfaithful to a guy. That time with my ex-boyfriend Alex. After our painful breakup, I had no peace, I kept thinking about him. A few years later we unexpectedly met – we were in the same place at the same time. I decided it wasn’t just a coincidence, and when he asked if he could come over, I agreed.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing the right thing, but I do it anyway. We spoke a dangerously nostalgic language, our bodies moved closer together. We were silent, just kissing. I felt that his tongue seemed small and cold to me, like a doctor’s instrument that I wanted to get out of my mouth as soon as possible. We made love methodically – how two people assemble Ikea furniture according to the instructions. By the time he got dressed and left, it was already morning.
I didn’t feel good or bad. I fell into a deep sleep for a few hours, when I woke up I wanted to take a quick shower. At 8 in the morning I already realized two things – first of all, I really have to break up with my boyfriend, because his feelings are stronger than mine, I can’t be together anymore out of pity. Secondly, after the night when I cheated on Alex with Daniel, I had come a long way – I had learned a lot about myself: what it’s like to fall in love, what it’s like to kiss when you really want it, what it’s like to have sex out of obligation and driven by lust. These three experiences seem important to me, so how can I regret what I did?
I slept with a colleague during my business trip. What should I tell my husband now?