Everything starts quite innocently and looks like an ordinary friendship. You communicate with a person by sending each other messages, go for a walk or skate together, share your problems and experiences. But then you suddenly realize that you’d much rather spend the evening texting with your “just a friend” than watching a movie with your official husband or wife. And this connection, suddenly becoming unexpectedly close, destroys your relationship with your permanent partner.
What can be considered emotional cheating
According to psychologists on the “Psychology Today“, emotional cheating is when a person is in a marriage or serious relationship, but spends more time, energy and feelings on someone else than on their partner. With this “friend” they share their most hidden thoughts, turns to them for support, warmth and emotional closeness. In other words, they are looking for emotions outside of their relationship.
In a survey conducted by psychologists, 45 percent of men and 35 percent of women admitted that they had been emotionally unfaithful to their partners. How do you know you might be one of them? Psychologists and marriage experts classify the following signs:
- You distance yourself from your partner. It is difficult for you to talk to them about anything, except everyday household matters;
- You think about your friend all the time, you can’t wait for another meeting with them;
- You are not interested in intimacy with your partner – both emotional and sexual;
- You and your partner spend less time together than before;
- You share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with your friend, not your partner;
- You purposefully spend more time with a friend than with a partner;
- You keep your friendship a secret, without telling your partner about it.
- You hide the fact that you had met a friend and in general – choose not to remind about the existence of such a friend;
- You find ypur friend attractive;
- You often argue with your partner because of your parallel relationship.
But what are the possible warning signs that your partner is emotionally unfaithful?
- He/she avoids you, behaves aloof, often criticizes you;
- He/she has become withdrawn, hides his/her phone or puts a password on it and closes the computer lid as soon as you enter the room;
- He/she has unexpected interests and hobbies;
- He/she says that he/she is working with a friend on a project and therefore they often need extra time to communicate;
- He/she keeps talking about his/her friend;
- Normally you are not jealous, but now you intuitively feel that something is not right;
- When you try to talk things out, your partner acts uptight, attacks you, or even tries make you look crazy.
There are some fundamental differences between platonic friendship and emotional cheating. Infidelity starts when the “friend” becomes closer than the permanent partner. When cheating partners keep secrets from their significant others. And when sexual attraction occurs between “friends” – consciously or unconsciously.
Why is it so dangerous?
Many think that there is nothing terrible: there is no sex, so cheating does not count. However, this is not the case.
Emotional intimacy – it is a foreplay
Psychologists and marriage counselors believe that such an emotional connection is also a kind of betrayal, even without sex. And that’s because this “just friendship” can easily end up in bed. Between two people, once they have become so close, there is a high probability that there is also a sexual attraction.
Emotional cheating causes pain and leads to divorce
Those involved in infidelity usually do not feel guilty, but their partners think differently. A close emotional connection between two people is no less painful than the fact of having sex outside the relationship. True, the attitude in this matter may differ depending on gender.
Researchers, as reported by the “Science Daily” portal, conducted a survey and found out that women are more afraid of their partner’s emotional cheating, while men are more afraid of the cheating that involves sex. In any case – everyone feels cheated and betrayed – because close people hide an important part of their lives from them, but lies and concealment destroy trust and damage relationships, even to the point that everything can end in divorce.
Emotional infidelity harms all its participants
A friend who is caught up in this kind of love triangle has feelings too. The one who is unfaithful, by nature, gives them hope that someday they might be together, and actively encourages it constantly – with sweet texts, sitting and walking together, meaningful glances and seemingly accidental touches.
But at the same time, the unfaithful person does not intend to develop this relationship with a “friend”, does not call this an affair and does not intend to leave the family. To be more precise, – your “just friend” is put aside, in a strange, funny and even humiliating position. And it hurts.
And finally, this whole situation also causes suffering to the one who is emotionally unfaithful. They are forced to stifle their feelings, lie, constantly distort, tear themself between two close people.
What to do if you are the unfaithful one
Get clear on the reasons
Maybe you lack care, support and attention. Perhaps your partner does not spend enough time with you, admires you too little, often criticizes you. Or they are not interested in things important to you.
Perhaps you need strong emotions, adventures. But it often happens that there is no more love and warmth between the two of you, and the relationship is coming to an end, even though you don’t want to admit it. Be that as it may, try to understand why you started looking for emotions outside the family boundary.
Be aware that infidelity destroys your relationship
That you give all your energy, affection, even love to another person. All this causes pain and suffering to everyone involved in the conflict and can end in divorce.
Talk to your partner
You probably don’t need to talk about the fact that you have feelings for the other person – unless, of course, you plan to divorce. But the reasons why it happened can be discussed. For example, you lack support and admiration – tell your partner about it, ask them to devote more time and attention to you. Or go on a trip together – to strengthen your marriage and get new impressions that you are missing at the moment.
Decide what to do with this ‘friend’
Be honest with yourself and think if you can return this relationship to just friendship. If not, such a connection will have to be broken – and the sooner the better. Explain to your friend that this union is harming your relationship with your partner and you are forced to end this friendship. Try not to meet this person more, exclude them from your life, at least for a while – do not write or call them, delete them from the circle of friends on social networks.
Fill in the blanks
Sometimes “platonic cheating” happens where there is a lack of joy and bright, positive emotions. Think where else, apart from a relationship with a friend, you could get it. Maybe you need to get away somewhere more often or it makes sense to think about introducing new hobbies, lifting more, doing something creative or exercising.
Seek help
If you can’t handle the situation, but you want to keep the partnership, find a good family therapy and start attending sessions with your partner.
What to do if you are emotionally cheated on
How to protect partnerships from emotional cheating?
Some family counselors are quite adamant about this. They believe that once you are married, you should avoid any contact with members of the opposite sex (or your own sex, if you are in a same sex relationship). This will also be a prevention of mistrust.
Such views resonate with traditional patriarchal views – when the husband opposes any communication of the wife with other men. But this approach assumes that one of the spouses – most often the husband – does not trust the other and violates the freedom of the other person. And such a relationship can no longer be called healthy and equal. In addition, trying to isolate the other partner from communicating with friends is a sign of emotional abuse.
Healthy relationships, friendships outside the family, trust and mutual respect – these are defense mechanisms against cheating. So try the following:
Spend more time together
Go on dates in cafes, to restaurants, theater, cinema or just go for walks. Take any opportunity to be alone together.
Talk about what worries you
Do not store resentment and anger in yourself. Do not expect your partner to understand why you are unhappy. Talk about your feelings, discuss what you don’t like, try to find a solution. If you have said a rude word in anger, offended another person, caused them pain – do not forget to apologize and discuss what happened.
In general – talk to each other as much as possible
Not only about household issues – about purchases, bills, repairs and a leaking faucet. But also about what excites you – about books, your hobbies, cultural and political events. And, of course, share your feelings and experiences.
Support each other
Be sure to find time to listen to the person close to you, cheer them up, tell them you love them and believe them!