Question. “I have been with my wife for 5 years, we have a child. The sex when it’s there is fine, but I wouldn’t mind to have it more often. I will outline the situation to make things as clear as possible. A year ago, I found out that my wife regularly watches porn – I found a link to a pornographic site in my wife’s internet history.
Everything would still be tolerable, but she was watching a video called “fucking while husband away”. That would be half the problem, but I found it in the search list. The thing is that such text can only be entered in the search by hand, it does not appear there. She herself wrote such a search and, as the history of the Internet shows, she watched that more than one. Then we had a big fight, she apologized and said it won’t happen again. She used to work in an all-female team, but recently switched to a mixed team. I recently found pornographic pages in her history of the Internet, again the same situation but she typed “fucking while working”… I made a scandal again.
- What is the probability that she is actually unfaithful to me and is it worth worrying about?
- What does it mean that she watches porn? Does she lack sex? I don’t know if she masturbates while watching or not.
- Why is this happening and is she psychologically cheating on me by doing this or not?
- Any suggestions on how to act in this situation? Maybe this is completely normal? Although it doesn’t seem normal to me… Maybe I’m the problem, what should I do? What is your opinion on this situation?”
Psychologist Evelina Vasilieva comments:
I understood from your letter that you are concerned about your wife’s need to watch pornographic films, and you are particularly concerned about the topics she chooses, as well as the frequency of intercourse. Your relationship has been going on for 5 years, so it’s completely normal that you may experience difficulties in your sex life, you may get tired of the usual things, you may need variety, it may be a great time to introduce something new in your sex life. You are asking for your opinion on this situation.
You may be surprised, but the fact that your wife watches porn and chooses such topics seems completely normal to me.
Pornographic films are watched by a significant number of men and women, and the diversity of their offer shows that people’s sexual fantasies are very diverse.
After reading the letter, the thing that sticks in my mind the most is that you check your wife’s Internet search history. I was wondering what is the reason for doing this? What is going on in your relationship, why is it necessary to spy? Do you find it difficult to directly ask your wife about the things that worry you? It is also interesting that the search history can be easily deleted, it seems that your wife was not trying to hide it from you, and maybe on the contrary – she wanted you to see…
Psychologist Dr. David Schnarch claims in his book “Resurrecting Sex” that through erotica he helps couples create a deeper sexual connection. The psychologist writes that erotic films and fantasies can be a useful tool that helps even people’s inner growth. Sexual fantasies are definitely part of a healthy sex life and can help couples experiment more.
Some people think that fantasizing or watching porn is equal to cheating, but this belief belies a basic fact of human sexuality—most of us crave variety. Allowing your partner to watch pornography won’t ruin your relationship, but banning it can put additional strain on the relationship.
So knowing that she’s likely going to watch porn anyway, giving her permission creates a space for openness and honesty about her habits, rather than feeling like they’re shameful secrets to hide.
Below I will try to answer your questions as best I can:
1. You seem to be concerned about your wife’s choice of pornography: “fucking while husband away”, “sex while working”. The fact that she watches porn about such a topic does not mean that she is unfaithful. However, if something seems suspicious to you, the easiest way to find out is to simply ask. In this case, you seem to be overreacting.
If we were in therapy, I would ask you, have you experienced betrayal in the past? With your wife or other women? Perhaps your father or mother was unfaithful in your family?
It seems that you feel insecure in this situation, you suspect your wife of infidelity, so I wonder if there is a basis for this or if this is where your old experiences “come back”.
2. The topics chosen by your wife may be her sexual fantasy ie. that’s what excites her right now. Maybe she wants you to play the role of a stranger in the bedroom who comes when your husband isn’t home. Maybe she’d like to have sex at work or in another public place where you might be caught. Or maybe she just likes to fantasize about it. However, these are just my guesses, she herself would answer best.
3. It sounds like you’ve been judging your wife for wanting to watch porn, and some of her needs have gone unfulfilled. Healthy people can distinguish reality from fantasy, so you should not worry about betrayal at the level of fantasy.
It is important to accept the fact that you and your wife may find other people sexually attractive, and that there will be other people or pornographic characters in your life that you may find sexy, but this is more of a natural biological response.
4. In this situation, it is important to talk to your wife. Talk about your sexual fantasies, what turns her on, what she would like during sex. In my opinion, it is worth telling her that you would like to make love with her more often and find out why your wife does not want it, maybe she is not completely satisfied with sexual relations, or maybe her sex drive is simply lower than yours.
Sometimes sex is just the tip of the iceberg and can be a sign of other difficulties in the relationship that you can’t see.
In any case, if you can’t work it out on your own, it’s always worth seeing a couples therapist to help you hear and understand each other. For many people, sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, and sexual needs and fantasies can change over time, so it’s important to revisit and talk about them.