“My partner and I have been together for almost nine years – married for five. We haven’t had sex in almost ten years. I can easily count the number of times we’ve made love. There is simply no sex in our marriage.
We have had sex once or twice since we got married. I got the courage and raised the issue last October – I said I wanted to feel loved and wanted to have sex with him. The next day we made love (for the first time since we got married). I made it clear that I don’t always want to be the one to initiate it, and if I ever say I don’t want to have sex, it means that I don’t want sex at that particular moment, not that I don’t want it at all.
It’s been four months since then and nothing has changed – still no interest. It’s not just about sex. We don’t make out, just a little kiss every two weeks. He doesn’t even look back if I get out of the shower naked. Hugs are mechanical. Two and a half weeks ago I brought it up again and asked if he had considered an open marriage because I love him but want sex in my life. He rejected this suggestion, but agreed that “I cannot live as a nun.” For a long time we talked openly about what we wanted, what we liked, what we would like to try, but three weeks passed during which he did not touch me.
It destroys my self-esteem in the worst way, I am seriously considering the less ethical option – polygamy. I feel like I’ve tried absolutely everything, I can’t imagine what else I could do. He is a good man, I like his company. I don’t want to lose him, but on the other hand, some of the best years of my life are already pased, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for attention and sex because it looks like I’m not going to win in this situation.”
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Zachary Zane, editor of Men’s Health magazine, comments on the situation.
“Judging by what is written in the letter, there is probably no magic solution to staying in this marriage and being sexually satisfied. Maybe it’s time to think about divorce. I think you’ve already thought about it, maybe you’ve already decided to do it, as you can tell from this sentence: “Some of the best years of my life have already passed, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for attention and sex because it looks , that I will not be the winner in this situation.” Basically, your words can be read as follows – the future life in marriage with this man would be equivalent to a death sentence. I think you don’t want to hurt him because as you say he is a ‘good person’. Maybe that’s why you’re thinking about poligamy, about being able to have sex without confronting him about the problems in your marriage.
I agree – it seems easier to be unfaithful than to break up, but believe me – cheating and lying will not give him much satisfaction either.
Divorce is a serious step, so try to talk about your marriage with no sex first. I’d suggest saying something like, “I think we’ve made some progress—we’ve talked about our sexual desires, things we’ve wanted to try, but nothing has changed since then. Maybe there are some aspects of our lives that we haven’t talked about yet?”
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I showed your question to therapist Janet Brito. She thinks there’s a reason he doesn’t want sex, he just hasn’t discovered it yet. The specialist recommends finding out what prevents your husband from opening up sexually. Maybe he has health problems, maybe he uses libido-suppressing drugs, maybe he has a mental disorder, he grew up in a strict religious family, experienced sexual trauma, or maybe he has a specific approach to pleasure?
“What’s stopping him from connecting with the people he loves? What does he need to feel safe enough to open up to you and begin to express himself sexually in a relationship?”
If he discovers what the problem is, the next important step is whether he wants to deal with it. Does he want to change his medication, consult a psychotherapist, talk about his sexual past? If so, great. If not, call a divorce attorney.
It is also possible that your husband is asexual – this is the name given to people who are not interested in sex or have extremely little interest in it. Maybe you should ask, “Have you ever had a strong sex drive? Have you ever felt strong lust at any point in your life?” Sometimes asexual people live with sexually active partners in a non-monogamous marriage, and everyone’s needs are met in this way. But if your husband does not want such a relationship, in my opinion, the most suitable solution is a divorce.
I understand that divorce is a difficult decision, on the other hand, trust me, cheating is not an option. It is clear that the man is dear to you, I think that you feel guilty and scold yourself.
You don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to break up with him, because you don’t feel loved, valued, your self-esteem suffers. You feel discomfort not because you do not have sexual relations – you simply lack physical touch and intimacy.
These are needs, not just wants – you shouldn’t give up these essential needs just because he doesn’t want to look for a solution.
In the end, you can find another partner who will be next to you, whom you will love, there will be intimacy in your relationship, you will feel wanted and loved. I hope that your husband will also find a solution acceptable to both of you.”