Kira Noir, who has been in the porn industry for almost a decade, is used to people asking her for advice on how to improve their sex life, but the truth is that the answer she gives isn’t always what people want to hear: “My favorite response to give to people who are asking me for sex advice is, ‘You need to talk to the people you’re having sex with about this, not me,’” writes ‘Elite Daily’ talking about the behind the scenes of making sex movies.
Few people know that scenes from sex movies and sex in real life have little in common. The processes that take place behind the scenes of filming sex movies are still shrouded in legend and mysticism. Kira says that it gives the impression of fantasy: “You shouldn’t expect real life to be like that fantasy,” she says. “You’re not going to learn how to drive by watching ‘Fast and Furious’ movies or how to defend yourself from watching ‘John Wick’.”
Although the porn actress would like people not to consider pornography as educational material, she finds elements in her work that would encourage you to try it yourself: “You need to have communication with the people that you’re actually going to get naked with,” Noir says. She does it every day – in more ways than you might think. “You don’t see that we’re taking breaks in between each position, that we have these talks [about expectations] beforehand,” she says. “There are a lot of things that aren’t shown in that final edit.”
Another adult film star, Natassia Dreams, who has been working in this sector for 16 years, also believes that such agreement negotiations are vital in her work: “We all want to have good sex, and it’s not always like the movies,” she says. “You have to have that dialogue, and be open to talking about it without shame.”
‘Elite Daily’ interviewed the actresses, revealing what their workday looks like and asking how they manage to educate the public about quality sex and communication.
What goes into a day in your life on a porn set? What are the behind the scenes sex movies details no one else gets to see?
Kira: Typically, either you arrive makeup-ready or you go into makeup once you get to the set. Then there’s paperwork. You sign a model release that outlines the things you’re shooting that day.
Sometimes we’ll sign another checklist that says we’ve seen our partner’s STI test. A lot of companies will have a consent form, too. It helps start the conversation about what you’re going to be doing in the scene.
The form might say stuff like, “I consent to kissing, ass slapping, face slapping, choking, bondage, anal penetration, and rimming.” We all check yes or no. A lot of times there’ll be a box next to it where you can go into more detail, like, “I’m OK with slapping, but only lightly,” or, “I’m OK with spit, but not on my tits.”
Your scene partner will also sign that, so everyone is aware of the general guidelines for the day. You’ll talk about what kind of scene it is. I prefer to plan out the sex positions beforehand as well. That way we can just keep going without having to cut that much when we start rolling on video.
And then what about after the scene?
Kira: A lot of companies are doing exit interviews where they’ll say, “This is your check. Can you make sure that it’s the right amount? How do you feel about what you did today? What was your favorite part? Is there anything you did that you didn’t want to do again? Would you come back and shoot with us again?” Just covering all the bases to make sure that everyone feels OK afterwards.
If you want to be good at sex, you need to be good at communicating.
Have these types of conversations always been part of the process?
Kira: It used to be, a couple years ago, that only kink sites would have these consent checklists. Porn had kind of its own #MeToo movement in 2020 when everybody was out of work because of COVID. A lot more people turned to online stuff on their own, and they realized they didn’t really need studio companies anymore. That made a lot of performers feel emboldened to say, “Hey, this director was inappropriate with me. This guy f*cking sucks.” It made people realize that we need more of these types of conversations on set.
I love the fact that OnlyFans, Fansly, and all of these other amateur porn sites where performers can upload their own content and make good money off of it, have made it so that people have more agency. Now, more performers have this attitude of, “I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be.” I think that’s beautiful.
Natassia: When I started, there was no regulation. There was no talking about what you could or couldn’t do. They just had these positions that you had to fulfill, and if you didn’t, you didn’t get paid. I remember when the shift happened … and then companies started incorporating these processes slowly but surely, which is where we are today: We have this on record, you sign this, you see each other’s tests.
I feel like there is still work to be done. As transgender performers, we often don’t have the luxury of agents to reach out to and say, “This is going on.” It’s just us against the world. Luckily I do have an agent now … and when I do work for big, mainstream companies, these are usually the protocols they take. But people slip through the cracks all the time.
Beyond porn, what are your tips for having these conversations in everyday sexual experiences?
Kira: The best sex people can have is sex where everyone is being open about what they want and open to hearing feedback on what their partner wants. If you want to be good at sex, you need to be good at communicating.
Consent is sexy. I know that’s a tagline people have been throwing around and don’t think too hard about what it means — but for me personally, “consent is sexy” means that whenever you feel free to talk about what you need and feel like you can accept what other people need, then you’re going to be able to have exactly what you want in bed. That’s how it should be.
Natassia: We’re performers, and we know what to expect. We’ve been doing this for a long time. But, in your normal life, you don’t know what to expect, and you don’t know what’s expected of you. Just get rid of that shame about having the conversation, and it will build a better experience.
You can do it in the moment. If they’re pinching your nipples too hard, move them up to your neck. Or if they’re in your ear and that’s a sensitive spot, move them down a little bit to your neck, and say, “That part really drives me wild, if you can avoid that place.” It’s about opening the dialogue and trusting your partner. For me, that’s consent — having the comfortability to say, “Hey, I prefer not to have sex without a condom. … I love myself and my body, so I want you to protect it.”
Kira: I‘m really happy that we’re able to have these kinds of talks more. As a woman who used to date men, I have definitely been in scenarios where I’ve tried to say something and the guy doesn’t take it well. I’m like, “Oh, no, I shouldn’t speak up about that.” I’ve also been in scenarios where I don’t say anything at all because I don’t want to seem weird or I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Now I’m very much an advocate of telling him that it’s not working. If he can’t accept that criticism, then that’s not somebody you should be having sex with. There are plenty of other options, and there are plenty of vibrators. You don’t have to keep doing the type of sex that you don’t want to do. You should be able to have partners who can communicate with you without shutting things down.
In this world we live in today, where we can normalize these kinds of conversations, it’s the best time to be open about what you want.