It happens that the relationship between two partners or spouses is bad; arguments and lies, maybe alcoholism and even violence, but what holds them together is good sex. Partners often say that they would have broken up a long time ago, but the sex is so good that you will hardly find anything better. What’s a bad relationship but good sex? Does that mean anything? Let’s try to look at it from several aspects. Explains psychotherapist Anita Plume.
A woman’s destiny is to love and suffer?
Julia is 43. She has two children and a husband, or rather a husband who earns very well. Julia has come to see a psychologist because she feels unhappy and doesn’t know what to do anymore.
She says: “Arno and I have been living together for more than twenty years. And all this time, I am the one who takes care of the house, the children and, in fact, our mutual relationship. I still like Arno and since the very beginning I am more active in bed – more active in sexual relations. I’m the one buying sexy lingerie to please him, I’m the one trying to seduce him.
I am the one who is always ready for sex. But he’s the one who refuses because he’s tired or just doesn’t want me. I feel belittled, ugly and finally old too…
However, sometimes when he is in the mood, sex is really fantastic, passionate, enjoyable. At such moments, I feel like I’m in heaven, full of bright thoughts, happy. But we also have other problems. He works a lot, stays out of the house for a long time. Often there are meetings, presumably business meetings, and he drinks quite heavily in them. And when he drinks, he does it for two or three days. He also hinted that he was having an adventure or even a passing love affair. This worries me because someone else may turn out to be better than me.
Therefore, every evening I wait for him with a warm dinner, even if I suddenly receive a call with the news that he will be late, I wait. It happens that he comes only the next day or even a day later. But he is a fantastic lover, I don’t want to lose him. I understand that I have to try and be better in order to keep him, that’s why I’m always looking for something new and interesting in sex, because it’s not for nothing that they say that good sex connects men to women. We have a house full of different sex toys and I even bought a sex toy set. I have also bought him something, although he has not yet agreed to try it on with me. Tell me, what should I do, how can I find a more effective way of seduction? I like him so much! I love him so much!”
The apple does not fall far from the tree
During the conversation, it becomes known that Julia grew up in a family where the father is an alcoholic, and the mother is an educated woman who worked in a responsible, but not very well-paid job at the time. Father, although he drank, worked in construction and earned quite well. Often the father used to not come home on time, he got stuck somewhere with his friends. Julia’s mother became tense and depressed while waiting. She didn’t talk much on such evenings, she didn’t even try to provide dinner. Both sisters, as they taught, supported themselves. Mom was furious and if her sisters asked her to help, she was angry that everyone was just asking of her, but no one was thinking about her. Most of the time, such episodes ended in tears: “Look at what kind of father you have. It gives me a headache just to watch him. Where else to delve into your problems. Only love helps to survive.”
Or a nymphomaniac…
When Julia was sixteen, she fell in love for the first time. The boy was the most popular in the class. It’s no wonder that Julia fell in love, but the guy didn’t, even though Julia courted him for a long time and finally seduced him at a party. Their relationship ended before it started, because he publicly humiliated the girl and yelled at her not to tie the knot, because he really doesn’t like Julia. Time passed, and while studying at the college, Julia met her current husband, Arno, who was the captain of the volleyball team and a guy loved by the girls. Arno did not pay much attention to Julia, but Julia made every effort to seduce him, until finally it succeeded, and so it happened that the momentary passion ended in pregnancy.
They got married. Twenty-three years have passed since that day. If we delve more carefully into Julia’s life, we understand that her parents have never been an example of how a man and a woman build a relationship based on friendship and equality in the family, what it is like when they love each other, what it is like when they take care of each other, what it’s like when one considers the needs of the other. What Julia saw is a sad view of cohabitation, where men are busy with themselves, while women suffer and try to make life better at all costs, hoping for mystical love.
She remembered that when her father finally announced that he was coming home, her mother was making dinner, getting the girls to dress up, and everyone sitting around the table.
And then there was also a bottle of wine at dinner, there was talking and laughing. It was necessary to be cheerful at all costs and to indulge the father so that he would feel good. In short, Julia did not see what a good and truly sincere relationship is.
Proximity and closeness are not the same thing
We are used to thinking that the word ‘intimate’ means something sexual, but in fact intimate means emotionally close. So it turns out that listening to Julia’s childhood story shows that she has not seen how a good and intimate relationship develops. The only thing that is clear is that these two people have children and are still connected by sexual interest.
As a result, Julia’s inner world has developed the assumption that the only way a woman can attract a man or improve her relationship is through sex.
Julija, like many women in the wide world, but especially Latvian women, tries to implement the slogan in life – my destiny is to love and suffer. She loves Arno, or at least thinks she does. She is willing to give up everything – her interests and needs, her grief and sadness, and even her anger towards Arno, in order to keep him near her and not be alone. She is sure that if she will be endlessly, unlimitedly sexually unleashed and open to sexual experiments, Arno will appreciate her, stop walking around or engage in casual relationships, but will stay with her and pay attention only to her – the best and sexiest.
However, the reality of life is much more unpleasant – if a person does not want to change, he does not change. Therefore, Julia’s sexual activities often remain unanswered. In other words, we are talking about two people who are not suitable for life together, not suitable for each other. One, in this case Julia, tries to improve the relationship with sex, the other tries to get out by drinking and having affairs. Therefore, Julia says that she and Arno have the most passionate sex after an argument – in the evening, at night and even in the morning. In such moments, Julia feels that she is the only one, loved and desired. This is why they are together.
The continuation can be as follows
Natalia, 52 years old, is a very nice looking lady. The woman says that she has a 28-year-old son and a recently born grandson whom she loves very much. More recently, Natalia has achieved success in her career. Having started working as a civil servant, she currently holds a fairly high position. She earns well and travels around the world a lot. Meeting with different people, she has discovered new qualities in herself, she feels witty, interesting, like she has never been before.
Natalia says that she has been married for 29 years, but she literally started living only two years ago. She has been with her husband since she was 21 years old. However, they are very different. She is the one who is interested in everything new, goes to theaters, but he is indifferent. However, all these years they have been united by extremely good sex. As a long-distance driver, the husband was away from home most of the time. He was lucky because he went abroad, so he earned good money. However, it happened that over time Natalia’s husband started drinking and lost his job. The pay went down and he became downright depressed.
More and more often, he addressed Natalia with various stinging remarks. A year or a half ago, sex between them ended. Natalia caught herself thinking that the sex was over because they have nothing in common, and he doesn’t even try. Feelings had cooled. The number of years 52 is scary because when she leaves, she can remain alone for the rest of her life. And Natalia does not know what to do, because the fear of loneliness is so great that maybe it is better to live as it is. Natalia wants to find an answer to her question.
The past is with us
From the story, we know that Natalia’s father was a taxi driver who loved to drink, and her mother, an education worker, worked a lot, but she had enough time to raise children and maintain the house. Natalia’s mother often said that life is what it is. And that they should hope that one day her father will understand what is most important in his life.
When Natalya was 18, her mother died of cancer. The father began to drink even more and lost his job. Natalia finished school, left home and went to the university. She was a good looking girl who was being chased around by guys. A real party girl who didn’t refuse the offered alcohol either. Since she knew what it was like to be alone and unloved, hugs from boys were also welcome. In the end, she got involved with a teacher who was married. The girl fell in love. Natalia hoped that her beloved would leave his family, but one day she saw him with his wife and children, going to the train. He didn’t even look at her as they passed each other closely.
It was like a shot. Natalia says: “I suddenly woke up and realized that something was wrong with me. That I try to replace the values in my life with casual sex. It seemed so dangerous to me. It seemed that I was approaching a limit that should not be crossed.”
For about a year, Natalia did not want to meet anyone. At one point, she even thought about suicide, but then she accidentally ran into a classmate with whom she once had an affair. The love affair resumed stormy and passionate. That’s how they got married, and he is Natalia’s current husband. Their relationship was soon not so good, because the guy left the university, went to work as a driver, and Natalia felt somewhat disappointed. However, the sex was so good and exciting that it seemed that it would help the relationship to survive. But the day came when the insatiable passion stopped, and Natalia realized that there could be something else between two people. Something that brings people together just like that. Something that is equally valuable, something that you want to come home to, something that you want to spend time with. Only she didn’t have it. Natalia woke up from sleep for the second time.
Two lives, one story
What do both women have in common? It must be said that Julia and Natalia are two parts of one story – Julia is the beginning of it, and Natalia is the continuation, which is nearing the end. Here I do not mean the age difference, but the quality of relationships and the ability to evaluate life. Julia is still in the stage where she tries to transform her partner and fights to make him better by using the only weapon she knows – sex. With this, she tries to draw attention to herself, replace intimacy and love, including good relationships.
Unfortunately, women often try to use sex to strengthen family stability and relationships, without considering themselves and, in fact, the man’s wishes and needs as well.
Natalia has made some progress in her emotional development. She has realized that sex is not the only value that unites people. She is at the beginning to search for herself, relationships and love. She wants to understand what love means to her. And what is love for each of us?