Probably many of us have read an article or thought about the fact that orgasm is sometimes considered to be the whole essence of sex. And while we shouldn’t really think that climaxing is the main purpose of sex, we probably shouldn’t say that orgasm is completely unimportant either. Perhaps that is why we feel confused when in some cases it is possible to reach orgasm when you are alone, sometimes it’s faster, sometimes slower, and sometimes it cannot be reached at all.
Very often, a woman masturbates easily to orgasm, but when making love to her partner(s), the whole experience becomes an inextricable maze that makes orgasm impossible. According to sex therapist Vanessa Merin, it is quite often more difficult to achieve orgasm with a partner than when masturbating. It can be caused by various reasons: inability to relax, inadequate stimulation, stress, emotional state, hormones and many other ‘problems’.
Why do I only reach orgasm when I’m alone?
First of all, you have to remember that each time an orgasm can be experienced differently, depending on factors such as: emotional and physical state, sexual activity, type of stimulation, our energy level, degree of arousal and even the menstrual cycle.
Our bodies are very different. Some women experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse, others feel pleasure from external stimulation of the clitoris, caressing of the nipples. Still others experience an orgasm just by using a vibrator – and that’s completely normal.
We ourselves know our bodies best, so you shouldn’t expect your partner to know in the first minutes of sex which body “buttons” will bring you the most pleasure. During masturbation, we perfectly know when and where to touch ourselves, what stimulation, what movements are most pleasant to us. That’s why it’s much easier to orgasm alone than with another person who doesn’t know what you like the most.
One of the reasons may also be the inability to relax. When we are alone, we don’t think about how we look – we just close our eyes and enjoy ourselves. When we are in love with another person, we can have many unwanted thoughts. “How do I look from that side?”, “Oh no, now he’s going to see my stomach”, “Am I doing everything right?” and others. Self-doubt can prevent us from relaxing, and if we are stressed, it will be very difficult to achieve pleasure.
What can help you experience an orgasm while making love with your partner?
There are even some methods that can be tried if it is difficult to reach orgasm while making love with your partner(s).
Open conversation before sex
In more than one article, we have emphasized the power of conversation not only for better relationships, but also for ensuring quality sex. Expressing your needs and listening to your partner can help you create the intimate life you’ve been dreaming of.
First, be honest with yourself. Think about your needs: maybe you have some fantasies that you would like to realize? Maybe you only like clitoral stimulation and nipple stimulation gives you unpleasant sensations? What touches from your partner do you enjoy the most, and which ones would you like to eliminate from your sex routine?
Once you have a “plan” in mind, try to start a conversation. Express your needs and encourage your partner to open up – listen carefully to his observations and suggestions. We recommend that you get interested in this topic – read books, watch movies, listen to podcasts about sex, and then discuss all the information together. Don’t try to adapt to someone else’s sex norms or laws – adapt them to your relationship.
During the conversation, try to stay positive and never blame each other – let praise and good emotions take a bigger place in the conversation than negative thoughts and complaints.
External clitoral stimulation
Sometimes it also happens that during sex the partner forgets (or does not know) how much influence the external stimulation of the clitoris has on a woman’s pleasure. All orgasms: vaginal, external, and anal, originate from the clitoris.
Include oral sex in your sex routine and don’t forget clitoral stimulation (both you and your partner can do this). It is also very useful to consider buying sex toys. Couple vibrators, clitoral massagers, vibrating penis rings or G-spot vibrators can become a real revolution in your sex life. They are designed to provide much more intense stimulation than a person can give to themselves or another. Why should you refrain from such pleasure?
Relaxation during sex
Another important step towards pleasure is complete relaxation during sex. The more relaxed we are, the easier it is to reach orgasm (and the more intense it becomes).
Some simple tips for a better relaxation:
- Add massage to your sex routine. Gentle touches will warm and relax tense muscles, while the fragrant massage oil will help you forget all negative emotions and fully surrender to what is happening here and now. (Erotic massage – tips on how to do it perfectly)
- Enjoy longer intros. Not only will they help you relax, but they will also make you more excited. Kisses, caresses, and touches are a very important part of sex, so we recommend you enjoy it a little longer.
- Accept your body. When we are insecure about our appearance, ashamed of our body and hiding it, there is no question of relaxation or intimacy. Although finding a connection with your body is a lifelong process, it is very important to start now.
- Don’t forget to breathe. Deep! Give it time – it will help you calm down.
It takes 20 to 30 minutes of proper clitoral stimulation for a woman to reach orgasm and flood her vulva with blood. The most important word here is ‘correct’, and its meaning will change with each woman. Therefore, we wish you patience, fun experiments and successful orgasm searches!
How I Learned to Orgasm: A Story of My Experience
How to Properly Give Cunnilingus? 2 Most Important Things to Keep in Mind