Sexologists claim that there are very few “cold” women. The phenomenon when a woman does not feel sexual desire is called frigidity, but it is very rare. Let’s just stick with the fact that women’s orgasms are much more complicated than men’s. But there is another phenomenon that happens much more often – anorgasmia, i.e. when a woman feels sexual desire, but is unable to achieve maximum satisfaction. According to experts, it is possible to change the situation. If you have difficulty reaching it (or have never experienced it), but your really want to have an amazing orgasm, use the recommendations of sexologists.
Fragile sexuality
Female sexuality is both physiologically and psychologically more complex than male sexuality. According to gynecologists, the ability to reach a climax really depends on the reactions of the body, but the emotional state is much more important. And the latter, in turn, is influenced by the events of the previous day, the relationship with the partner, even the phase of the menstrual cycle.
A woman’s satisfaction is determined more not by intercourse itself, but by waiting for the meeting and the outburst of passion.
Meanwhile, satisfaction can be made impossible by all kinds of life situations, starting with a child’s illness, a conflict at work, and even from an insignificant comment from a colleague.
It is impossible to localize a woman’s orgasm in any part of the body or genitals. It is born in her brain and felt in her whole being. The strength of sexual desire is regulated by the limbic brain, which controls emotions and instinctive behavior. At the moment of intimacy, the areas of the brain that control behavior are turned off and sexual desire increases.
There are very rare cases when sexual desire does not exist at all – in these cases, sexologists talk about frigidity. Far more often than not, women feel desire and enjoy sex, but they don’t always or never reach orgasm. This may indicate the previously mentioned anorgasmia.
But if a woman is able to reach orgasm by masturbating, there is no question of anorgasmia. Not having an orgasm from time to time is completely normal.
At the beginning of sexual life, young girls usually rarely experience vaginal orgasm. Orgasm usually is reached after gaining more experience, getting to know oneself better. Anorgasmia can also be caused by problems with a partner, such as partner infidelity. The woman stops trusting them, which means that she cannot open up in moments of physical intimacy.
Psychological problems
Inability to reach orgasm without a clear reason may indicate unresolved internal problems or reflect a woman’s subconscious desires, such as revenge on her husband for cheating, to be a perfect mother, or to maintain childlike loyalty to her father.
Sometimes women, without realizing it, forbid themselves to experience erotic feelings, blame themselves for any manifestation of their sexuality. They are usually women who grew up in religious families. Parents punished them for innocent experiments with their bodies or games during which children get to know each other’s anatomical features. As adults, they really don’t know their bodies, they don’t know how to relax and feel pleasure.
Orgasm can be learned
In most cases, the woman simply lacks sexual experience. Therefore, it is very important to explore your body, for example, when you masturbate. By gaining experience, a woman gradually gets rid of internal inhibitions, the influence of various pre-imposed norms and an exaggerated sense of shame. Orgasm can be learned like singing by training the voice.
Here are 10 tips from sexologists to help you get an amazing orgasm
1. Love yourself
It’s hard to love someone if you don’t love yourself. Low self-esteem, dissatisfaction with your body, too high expectations from sex – all this prevents reaching orgasm, by the way, not only for women, but also for men. Research published in 2016 by O. Kontula and A. Mietinen showed that women with higher self-esteem experience orgasm more often. So small compliments to yourself can improve the quality of your sex life in the long run.
But instead of increasing the feeling of self-love, it is better to focus on self-love as an action: take care of your physical shape, health, appearance and do the things that are important in life. It will improve the psychological state and at the same time sex. You can also learn to accept your flaws. It doesn’t mean loving what you don’t love. This means allowing the body part to remain as it is.
2. Train the pelvic muscles
Kegel exercises, which strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor, are necessary not only to prevent urinary incontinence, but also to keep the organs in place. These activities greatly help to improve the quality of sexual life – the vaginal muscles are strengthened, blood circulation improves, which helps to release more lubricant and helps to reach orgasm more often.
You can also try vaginal balls to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. There are different sizes and weights, but it all depends on experience: for example, it is recommended to use larger, lighter balls for beginners, and smaller and heavier for experienced ones.
3. Masturbate
Many people have grown up thinking that masturbation is something dirty and wrong, but this is a myth. Masturbation increases self-esteem, reduces stress and improves sleep. This is the best way to understand what you like in sex: where, at what pace and with what intensity you should touch yourself. Knowing yourself will make it easier to explain to your partner what you want from them.
4. Conversations
The more partners trust each other, the easier it is to relax in the bedroom and experience maximum pleasure. It is important to openly share not only your feelings but also your hopes and dreams about your sex life. Do not expect your partner to understand you from half a word. It’s better to tell them directly and involve them in this process. Sometimes even a simple discussion of erotic fantasies and scenarios can light a spark.
5. Try new things
Arousal, but not orgasm, is controlled by the hormone dopamine. In the past, it was thought to form in anticipation of a reward. But now it is known to erupt when something unexpected happens. This is the same “innovation” in relationships that helps you experience a sex marathon while on vacation or reach an orgasm during quickie in a store fitting room.
You can try new positions, fulfill sexual fantasies, have sex in unexpected places (of course, without breaking the law). Such an experience will quickly lead to an orgasm and will definitely be remembered.
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6. Use lubricant
Lubricant helps to slide better, prevent unpleasant friction and improve sensations. There are lubricants that warm, cool, create an additional mood with scents and increase sensitivity. It is better not to put them immediately on the penis or vulva, but on the hands to warm it up a little, and then apply it to the genitals with massaging movements.
The main types of lubricants are: water, silicone-based, anal, oral, heating-cooling.
- Water-based lubricants are the most natural and universal, they work with all sex toys and condoms, they don’t leave stains, they don’t stick.
- Silicone-based – extremely durable, especially slippery. But not suitable for use with silicone sex toys.
- Anal lubricants are extra long-lasting, intensely moisturizing, and may contain ingredients that reduce discomfort.
- Oral lubricants are designed to be tasted on the body. You can choose your favorite flavor: strawberry, vanilla, chocolate and many more.
- Warming – cooling – they will be useful in various love games, giving a pleasant feeling of warmth or cooling.
7. Use sex toys
Toys help to make the orgasm much more intense. They can be used alone or during sex as additional stimulation. You can start with a simple blindfold and try more and more: clitoral or G-spot stimulators, anal plugs, massagers, sexy underwear, BDSM games (handcuffs, whips, role-playing accessories).
8. Do not think about orgasm
You don’t have to focus on the result if you can enjoy the process! Anxiety about possible failure prevents you from relaxing, which means that it will be more difficult to reach orgasm. You don’t have to focus only on genital stimulation. A back massage can be much more enjoyable than trying to force an orgasm out of yourself. In this case, back massage will be more erotic than mechanical stimulation of the genitals.
Allow enough time for the foreplay. Caress each other everywhere: head, ears, neck, hands, knees, feet. Whisper soft words or, on the contrary, naughty ones. Immerse yourself in the process.
9. Take your time
Stop stimulation as soon as you feel an orgasm approaching, take a break and start again. Imagine that an orgasm is like jumping with a parachute: the closer you get to the moment of the jump, the more intense the sensations. Masturbation will help you find this limit, and then you can practice it together with your partner. Repeat this a few times before letting yourself or your partner finish and the sensations will be much stronger than usual.
10. Don’t focus on porn
Pornography usually features people with perfect bodies who can look attractive at any moment and only make erotic sounds. The sex lasts for a very long time, includes acrobatics worthy of artistic gymnastics and definitely ends with shared orgasmic fireworks. But in reality, everything is not like that, and it is ok. Erotic films are cinema, and as you know, it is not realistic at all. Such films should not be taken as an example. Porn creates unrealistic standards that real sex doesn’t have to aspire to. But pornography can be used as a window into your sexuality. It is worth watching pornography in order to get to know your desires better, what excites you, to enrich your fantasies, to bring something new into sex with your partner. In addition, watching pornography together can improve the quality of a couple’s sex life.